The world needs more chocolate

"Let's start the new year right, twelve o'clock tonight, when they dim the lights let's begin..."

w/ pranks!!!!! :-D

my school year has officially begun.... it wasn't at lunch today when i had to go to SAGA for the first time this semester.... it wasn't at the icecream and prayer thing around the belltower, although that's a wonderful starting point, it wasn't when i moved in.... it was tonight
sr got this awful plastic matress this year.... the kind she frequently mocked as potty training mattresses, in different terms, but i don't feel like typing the ahdrhen version... :-P anyway, her poor lil unhappy self went and found an unused good one on the floor... so she got permission from our RA to switch them.... so she and the girl who's room the matress was in, carry the new one in and tote the old one off.... (this thing really needs the grinning face w/ the halo... )

so ahdrhen and i "help".... while she was removing the old (well new really, but unwanted none the less), we "made" the bed... the "special" way... :-D the way that involves a nice layer of crumpled funnies and lots of bubble paper under the foam pad and the sheets.... :-) she was supposed to come in the room and jump on her nice new mattress and then freak out b/c it sounded like the old plastic one.... but she didn't...

the papers made it lumpy, so she peeled it back to see what it was.... sigh... so ahdrhen and i had to hide out in her room for awhile from the rampaging alabamian :-D

it's nice to finally be home

to be in room w/ ahdrhen and sr and other people laughing nonstop over the silliest things.... eating a carrot in the hall, which adrhen just picks up off the ground, where she made me drop it, and throws it accross the room.... singing "all i want for christmas" at the tops of our lungs for no reason at all other than to cover the gigling until sr got back to discover her "new" mattress... that brought back memories of last christmas (season)... where for at least a solid month, we had that song blasting out of a CD player in the suite lounge w/ the windows up, singing it constantly..... :-D

all summer i was hoping sr and i could start some kind of Bible study together.... i love floor devos, and suite devos (where we just talk and pray), but i seriously missed the small group stuff from high school.... i had no accountability any more... so last night we went to Macedonia (her church)... i went mainly for the lasagna afterwards... lizards need to eat sometimes... and they absolutely love lasagna.... but anyway, they're doing a church wide Experiencing God thing... i started that several years ago, prob 7th grade or so, at Eastview, when we went there... but i never finished it... tried several times, but i never had the accountability, so i never finished... so now, sr and i are doing that together (and at the moment we're playing catch up)...

we had our meeting of the official unofficial leaders on our floor this year..... long story.. but anyway, i was late :-P i was at walmart... not my fault... but anyway, i got back in time for some of it... this is going to be so great... i miss being involved in the floor and this year i'll be involved even more so... hopefully we can use this stuff to actually unite the floor (in something other than football :-P )

did i mention that it was great to be home? white oak will always be home to me... texas will always be my home.... my house w/ my mom, or wherever she is for that matter will always be home.... but, this is just as equally home... in some ways even more so than white oak, strangely enough.... white oak held/holds a kind of bitter-sweet essence to it for me... and the house can get lonely... but here, on campus... this is where i belong...

welcome home to me :-D

well, the good new is, i didn't pass out... almost... but not quite...

the bad news is... everything else...

i have never been so miserable in my life...

the test was supposed to start at 8:30... we get there and find out i was supposed to be drinking water, but they didn't tell me that (they also didn't tell me how long to fast, what hour to start at, etc) , so i was severely dehydrated, and cold

by 10am, they'd tried 3 separate times to draw blood... this however doesn't mean there were only 3 holes... oh, no... there were 10... with a very large bore needle... that she shoved in my arm and then went fishing... and then shoved the glass tube on the end.. while it was in my arm...

at this point, i was a nervous wreck, i hadn't eaten in 12 hours, i was in lots of pain, and they still hadn't started the test, b/c they had to take the sample before they could give me the glucose solution... so then dr sanders decides she'll do the blood work... she then ties a tourniquet on my arm tighter than it's supposed to be which causes great amounts of pain... at which point she starts non-griping at me to not be so tense... non-griping is basically griping but in a more subtle way, one involving her trying to instruct me in meditation and the listening to of calming music and other visualization techniques... tough luck.. so, dr sanders "asks" my mom to go in the waiting room... my mom, who hasn't said anything the entire time and all she's done was flinch when they did the glass tube thing, asked in a voice that dr sanders should have realized she didn't want to mess with, why. so dr sanders goes off on how she's sensing negative energy in the room, and it's my mom who's exuding it and that she and the "flobotamist" (sp?) are having to push it away.. . (it goes in quotes, cause she didn't seem to have any credentials to back said title up) so she and my mom get in this argument.. dr sanders tries to blame her for me being all tense... no lady, i'm tense b/c i'm having a giant needle shoved in my arm and moved around causing me terrible pain.. . and, it wasn't my mom makin me tense, it was the dr.. . i left... went in another room and lost it.. . when i got back in there, i'd decided if dr sanders said one more thing i was gonna go off on her... at which point she comes in and tells me i can go to the lab and have it done. so we load up our stuff, and it still takes us 10 min to get out of there...

so we get to the lab, and the lady goes back to take my blood for the fasting part... she of course is a professional and uses the baby needle, which is what they used at the hospital for my blood work... however, since by this point, i am still freezing, and dehydrated (although i drank more water today that i have in two months combined), and hungry, and, now, terrified, my veins weren't on the surface... so it took her several tries... so then the actual test doesn't start til 11:48...

after the 2nd hour blood drawing, i was a nervous wreck... in tears the whole time... terrified of going back for the 3rd hour sample... at which point we find that it's supposed to be 4 hours... (one sample at fasting, ½, 1, 2, 3, 4)

for the very last sample, we went and sat in the car for an hour, and i warmed up... which made all my veins stand out very prominently, like they generally do... so i went back in and she was gonna have us wait another 10 min.... until she saw my arms, and decided it was a miracle, and she went in and actually got a vein on the first try that didn't hide and that didn't roll and that actually filled up a whole vial...

my arms make me look like a heroin addict now... when i went up to campus to work for an hour, which mom was NOT happy about, i put band-aids over the worst parts so none of the freshmen parents would think that... they busted at least one blood vessel in my hand... lizard's were not meant to be holey... i only counted 17 sticks... but i know i missed several... mom counted the actual holes in my arms and hands and wrists and there's at least 24.... which means i?m not allowed to carry anything for 24 hours... nothing... at all.. mom's afraid i'm gong to bust some more of them if i lift anything... i'm surprised she let me carry my blanket into the house... needless to say, we are not going back to dr sanders... mom will go pick up the results, but that's it...

in total, i went 17 hours w/o food, 2 different places, 7 hours of being a pin cushion, there are at least 24 holes in me, and all for 6 partial vials of blood

i?ve never in my whole life been truly afraid of needles... until now

i'm so scared... somebody make tomorrow go away, please? i don't want it to be tomorrow... i don't want to go throught htat.... and i know that by telling myself repeatedly that stuff will happen i can psychologically cause one of the sinking spells... but... i... i'm just... i can't do this... make it go away.....

well, i went to the doctor today....

i'm still not allowed to drive..... the way she talked it sounded like i'd never be allowed to drive again....

i've got to go in thurs morning at 8:30 for a 4-5hr glucose tolerance test.... no food for x number of hours and then they pour concentrated coke syrup down your throat and take your blood at 6 different intervals...... basically waiting for you to pass out..... i hate the sinking spells and i really really don't want to intentionally put myself in a position where i know it all happen again... it's bad enough when i know they're coming a few min before hand.... but to know now w/o a doubt that it's going to happen on thursday, probably several times.... i can't.... and the bad part about this is, that it's a fasting test, so when one of those hits, i can't drink or eat anything to make it go away.... the awful weak, helpless, miserable feeling will just keep on.... i can't pull myself out of it.... and i don't want to go through that.....

i know hypoglycemia is bad (but we won't know til after the test if that's what i have), but i also know that it's fairly common and easily treatable w/ diet changes.... normal diet changes.... like, less processed sugar, less coke, more protein, more meat, more dairy, constant eating, etc.... not rocket science... but she kept, well first of all, trying to make sure i knew i had a problem. i'm not an idiot. it should be obvious to anybody, ESPECIALLY the person actually going through it, that there's something wrong.. blacking out and passing out, etc, isn't normal... she also acted like it was some life threatening disease... which it's not.. yes, it can destroy your pancrease and lead to diabetes, if you're not careful and don't take care of it... which can be done easily... personally, i think i'm fine now.... i'm actually eating fruits and vegetables... which i'd do before, but not that often... not b/c i didn't like em, merely b/c i never thought about it... now that's all i think about... we're still on the one coke a day thing, but even then i don't have one every 3 or 4 days even.... you know how long it's been since i've had candy or chocolate in any form??

i know i can eat that stuff and be fine. as long as you don't eat like a whole pound of chocolate at once w/o anything else to dilute it, and w/o any other food..... which i never did anyway... on campus i had a lot of caffine, and some sugar.... but, this never happened... it's not the sugar intake that's the problem... it's the regularity of meals, which over the summer has been all wacko... but i fixed that... i should be fine.... so don't start pushing wheat germ and junk like that on me... i'm not a health nut.. dont' try to turn me into one... i'm not going to go buy some special kind of flour to make pancakes with.... i'll eat healthy stuff, no complaints (well, until you get to water :-P ) but even then i'll drink it if i have to.... honestly, it's not that big of a deal.... stop tryin to turn me into a vegetarian person who buys also sorts of unpronounceable "healthy" tastless things at high priced health stores... ain't gonna happen... you push me enough, and i'll go the other way... she never once mentioned meat... just kept pushing strange fruits and nuts that had a lot of protein... hmm, i wonder... what's that stuff that's in meat that's really good for you? could it be? is there actually, gasp, protein in meat?? in large quantities?!? the sky is falling................

another thing that annoyed the mess out of me, and is partially the reason for my mood, is that she's very new age-ish.... i knew that goin in... i was told she didn't push her beliefs on people, so i was ok with it.... besides she'd learn how stubborn i was soon enough.... what she "believed" was obvious... (i put that in quotes b/c she had a few contradicting beliefs that didn't make any sense, and probably bothered me more than anything b/c it's just not logical... but anyway... )

one thing she kept saying was that you can't have expectations (this was when i was tryin to find out when i could drive again, and she sounded like i would never drive again, as long as i live...) we can't controll life... just don't have expectations... they're bad... i don't want to get your hopes all up, only to have them crash and burn later.... blah blah blah... it all sounds nice and good, like it's well meaning... but... it bothered me to no end.... it's like... every fiber of my being disagreed w/ her to the point that i was miserable...

you can't live life w/o expectations. anyone who says they can is a liar. hope, excitment, expectations, dissapointments... they're all a part of life. okay, so you think it's "safer". point taken... at least on the outside... on the surface it would seem that life would be so much easier and more enjoyable w/o the little let downs, the heartbreaks, the major dissapointments, etc... it all boils down to protecting your heart... shutting yourself off from the world w/ a wall meant to strengthen and protect but that in the end only isolates and starves. people that claim they live life w/ no expectations can't enjoy life. not truly. here i link expecatations and hope. i looked it up, b/c i was curious about the difference and it boiled down to hope being not just the thinking/knowing that something is going to happen (expectation) but also the desire for that thing to occur. if you live a life w/o expectations, you live a life w/o hope. which is a life w/o purpose or a point to it... and w/o a purpose or a point, with nothing to live for, it can't really be called life...

i realize that since she's not saved she doesnt' have that hope..and that all of her statements make sense in that light... but still.. she shouldn't go around telling people, ESPECIALLY her patients not to have expectations... it's rediculous... when you tell someone not to have expectations, b/c they'll only get hurt, then, like the paradoxial statement "there are no absolutes", you contradict yourself - you are expecting to get hurt if you expect something to happen. but you can't be afraid of pain... if you live your life trying to avoid that, you're going to lead a pretty miserable one. and, since it's unavoidable, either you'll develop mental problems from living in denial, or you're going to have one seriously major meltdown when reality sets in and you actually get let down...

that doesn't mean that just b/c you have an expectation of something that your world has to end when it doesn't happen. you can have expectations, you can even hope for something, and it can hurt, doesn't always, but it can hurt, and sometimes deeply. but still, it ain't the end of the world :-P

or at least it's not when you're saved, and have a true hope. one that is garaunteed for all eternity. then it doesn't matter whether or not walmart only had that shirt in green instead of blue, or saga was out of chocolate chip cookies, or (although i tend to act otherwise) you can't drive anymore, or you have to take another batts class (God forbid), in the end, in the only way that truly matters, you have hope. you know the end of the story. you know. you truly know. of course, there's the other side, and you could know, yet think you had no hope. but as long as you have breath in your body, there will always always be hope.

sometimes you can't see it... if you have no expectations, then it's impossible for you to hope... however, since i've already come to the conclusion that it's impossible to truly have no expectations, then there's always hope! :) :-P

so anyway, i'm getting tired of typing... you can't have no expectations... you can't have no hope.. you may not see it, and many people live like they don't have hope, b/c they don't know it's there, but there will always be hope... for any person any where in any situation, b/c my God is that big, and b/c He has that much love, and He's just dying to share it (literally).

it is impossible to protect yourself from ever being hurt. life doesn't work that way. at least not on this planet.

"In isolation love dies; humility and compassion and generosity of spirit all suffocate." - John Ortberg

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and you heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." - C S Lewis

so, expect. and more than that - hope. but most of all, love.

"But now faith, hope, love, abide these three, but the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinth. 13:13 NASB)

i am so miserable right now.... i just... i just... i don't know.... i had alot of stuff i wanted to write about, but right now i can't think straight.... i just ... i don't understand.... i'm so confused... and there's just too much junk goin on right now... and i can't handle it... i can't....

i'm so lonely... i just want someone to talk to... that's all... but everybody's busy... they've all got stuff to do, and people to do that stuff with... they've got places to be and things they have to do to get ready for that....

it's been like this all summer, but i guess it's worse now, b/c more people are on aim, b/c they're back and allowed to live on campus, and they have the constant internet connection, so they're always signed on.... but they're so busy, that i talk to away messages.... it's a kind of torture... they're there, but they're not....

and it's not like i don't have anything to do and keep busy... i'm struggling to balance two jobs and doctors appts and several other things.... i am busy... but not at night.... there's nothing to do at night... and i don't want to go to sleep at 8:30, so i stay up for 3 or 4 or more hours staring at a computer screen and talking to away messages... i do have a life... just not at night...

i know it sounds pathetic... but, all i want is someone to talk to, so it's not like i'm isolated here in my room all the time, so it could give the illusion that i'm actually around people, so i can actually learn about someone else's life, and... i just need people... it's a simple concept.... but why is it so hard to actually do?

i'm glad people have stuff to do... being bored isn't fun... and it's not that i'm bored... i'm just lonely...

(ok, before you read this, rememeber that i'm an only child and tend to be melodramtic... i know alot of this stuff isn't that serious... at least i know that in my head... but what i feel is entirely different.... although that's controllable... but at the time... when i started thinking about stuff....)

as happy and excited as i was yesterday after deciding to move in, now i'm the complete opposite.... highly depressed, frusterated, annoyed, etc...

the morning started out great.... i went up to campus, and went to the suite. ahdrhen and her mom were still asleep, so i talked to tess for a while, resumed the great pasttime of dry erase marker art on the mirrors :) i miss doing that... anyway, was in a wonderful mood... went to work... did midless things for way too long... (side note- i think that honors groups, or excuse me, the offical term is "cohorts", shouldn't be more than 2 or 3 people a year.... i had to do a mailing today to every cotton pickin one of em.... far too many... of course i finished all of that and then they tell me there's a machine to do most of what i did... i wondered why they didn't have one, but i didn't ask, just did what i was told... arg.) went to lunch w/ mom, dropped off some papers at my new doctor's office (inc a family medical history we did last night dating back 5+ generations... that's some scary stuff..) came back, at 1.

i was supposed to get to check into my room at 1. i was happy. i didn't care that i was wet. (it was raining :-P for the first time in two months... which is good... although not sure how much good that does since everything's already dead.. but anyway) tracked down jenny and sandra.... and then i found out that it's not a $30 fee to move in early... oh no... it's $30 a DAY. if i moved in today, i would owe the university $300... (i am gonig to attempt to refrain from comparing the housing policys w/ the bookstore right now, but i probably won't succeed) it doesn't matter that b/c of dr's orders, i can't drive. and that i work on campus, so i need to be able to get to work.. or that i live here and jsut want to move stuff, and not sleep there... nope. nothing matters. except the lining of the pockets of... arg.. nm... i'm annoyed...

so then, since i was stuck on campus, completely dependent on other people to get me to my job, i went up to the suite... let myself in... which was an accident, b/c the door was locked, but not pushed to... and sat in the dark... listened to the rain... watched out the blinds for a long time... the view never changes... the same side walks.. same grass... same tree.. (although, they continue to keep cutting down every single non-pine tree on campus, which i don't understand and am also very annoyed by)

after a while, i had nothing to do... i sat in the chair in the corner.. the lounge was dark.. there was light in the suite hallway, but not much came into the lounge, like it was waiting to welcome somebody else... but not me... sometimes, i could hear voices in the hall on the other side of the heavy door.... voices of people happy to see one another, people walking around at home... but i was isolated... the door kept people out... or maybe it kept me out... the storms kept me from going outside.... stupid policies kept me from being inside... but i'd found a way in... although now i wish i hadn't... b/c it was worse... i was in, but i wasn't. i was trapped in a place i wasn't welcome in... there were boxes... but not of my stuff.... well, two of the boxes were labeled as mine, but they weren't.... none of my storage boxes had my stuff in them (except the bubble paper in the suite decorations box - i claim that :-P )

it was just so weird to be in a place i considered home and being rejected by that home.... lu was one of the few places i've ever felt like i actually fit in... most of the people were always very welcoming... friendly... i had people i considered friends, and people i considered adopted family there.... it was the one place i fit in, and the one place that's sought so hard to keep me out.... not even subtly... all i wanted was to throw a pillow on the bed and put some textbooks on a shelf and to plug a phone in... that was all i wanted.... and for that "privelge" i'd have to pay more than i make in a couple of weeks... everything was just... so.. forbidding, and depressing.... there was no sun... no light, except what was trying so hard to stay out of the room where i was exiled too... everything was.. deserted... lonely... at least on my side of the door... i guess on should say on the side of the door that i was on, since it's not my door....

the one nice part though, was that i went and talked to karen for a while, when i was waitin on my grandparents to come pick me up and take me to the boxoffice... that was fun... even if i can't live there, i can still have marshmellow fights!!! and, at the moment, i can't be blamed cause i'm a "visitor". i'll even wear one of my bajillion visitor nametags from lu if that would help. :)

i know that i'm welcome, hopefully, by the people on the floor... but when they're all gone... the building, which i used to consider a friend, esp the stair case, turns its back on me, and won't let me in, won't let me live...

ok, i'm gonna stop now before i talk myself into a depression... i know, i know.. it's not that big of a deal... i just have to wait a week to move in....

"just".

but... what would you do, if someone told you that you "just" had to wait for a week, standing on the doorstep before they'd let you in? "just" wait a week before you can play the same game as everybody else? "just" wait a week before you can eat the food on the table in front of you. it's only a week... it'll go by quickly. i promise

:) :) :) happy lizard :) :) :)

i just decided that i'm going to go ahead and pay the fine and start moving in a lil at a time this week. it's annoying that i have to pay $30 to do so, but you know what? i dont' care about the money. never have. if i don't spend it on that, then i'll spend it on chocolate or something. and right now, i think stopping all this complaining and worrying and stressing i've been doing, and ending all the frustration, is worth it. besides, since i can't drive, i have to ride to work w/ mom, who leaves early. so then i have time to kill before academic affairs opens. why not use that time to slowly move stuff in and put up decorations? besides, then i get to be in my room, and i'll better know what stuff i still need to buy, AND i can be around people again... although, they'll probably still be asleep :-P silly people. sleep is overrated. :) sadly though, i'm not moving in all the way, and the internet connection won't come home w/ me :(

hmm.. ok, what else? i started work today in academic affairs.... got in a fight w/ an electric stapler... it hates me. really. it kept holding on to my papers after it stapled them and then putting 4 staples in it while i tried to make it let go. i think it's all part of the conspiracy w/ letnet and my computer and others.

oh! got the results back on the blood test. all negative, except for a slightly elevated white count, which is supposedly easy to do during allergy season... which means, i'm not anemic :) which is very good.

this morning wasn't so great... i had another sinking spell.... but i'm fine now.

one last happy thought, since i'm only partially moving back, i don't have to eat saga!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

well, i survived the blood thing... we were supposed to get the results back this afternoon... we didn't. haven't heard about the EKG yet either... i think though, i'm gonna change dr.s b/c there was just too much stuff that was wrong yesterday with how things went... . i talked to a lady in admissions today, who is also hypoglycemic and on medication for it, who described symptoms almost exactly like what i have.... everybody we talk to seems to think i'm hypoglycemic and my dr's wrong... i don't know... mom's cancelled the EEG and we're gonna find somebody who'll give me a hypoglycemia test... once that's out of the way, if other tests are necessary then i'll have those too....

so after that mess, we bought breakfast and i went to lu w/ mom, and sat in her office for a while w/o energy... but then i went to "work"

well, not really.. i thought i was gonna work today, but they just needed me to fill out paper work... i start tomorrow... the reason they randomly wanted me to start is b/c mon and tues there're faculty work shops, so they need somebody in there to answer the phones... oh goody.. more phone work...

but after that, i got my key from sandra (temporarily :( ) and went to measure stuff in my room, to see if some stuff i bought would go where i wanted it... walking up the stairs was a really nice thing... the dorm just has... i dunno.. a diff smell to it than the house... (and no, it's not a bad thing :-P this isn't a guys dorm, we actually wash our socks :-P ) i really really really wish i could move back in... i wish everybody was here... i miss dorm life... (well, that an the absolutely wonderful internet connection AND the fact that people are actually online when you want to talk to them :-P) i'd forgotten how stubborn the lock on our door was..... i got in there, and i expected it to be all nastalgic... but nooo.. they had to mess all our furniture up, so it was like walking into a room that you don't recognize and becoming highly annoyed.... so i (who wasn't *supposed* to be doing any heavy lifting or anything - which i didn't... well, alot of... i just pushed stuff around and messed up the nice waxed floors...) spent a while putting furniture back where it belonged.... except i've gotta wait til i can get somebody to help me to put my bed back down to the level i want it at.... arg. silly people. they messed up the one thing i really needed to measure.... i was very tempted to just go ahead and pay the stupid $30 fine and start moving in... well, moving in a lil everyday... when i have to ride w/ mom to go to work... and she leaves FAR to early in my opinion.... since i still can't drive... i'm still considering that... but i may just wait and move in when SR does... unless she finds out tomorrow that she can't move in that sat w/o payin a fine.... lu is so messed up...

anyway, it was nice to just walk around on campus, and not like a visitor, like i've felt the rest of the summer... i actually got to go in my room, and raise the blinds for a while, and let the sunshine in... which made the lovely dead bug on the window sill show up :-P but, it was my room again for a while... and that was nice....

came home... did nothing.... the lil energy i had wore off by then.... talked to my roomie on the phone for about an hour :) i can't wait til she's back... living in the dorms is so much fun... there are parts of it that drive you loony... but, i still wouldn't live anywhere else for anything.

now if they could just get the health stuff straightened out... and then if i could remember to call the dentist about getting braces... :( sigh...

tomorrow'll be weird... starting one job, returning to another, being chauffered to all of them.... picking a new doctor... a lot of people coming back.... which is both good and weird in some ways...

anyway, i should get some sleep.... goodnight peoples.

(oh, did i ever mention that i had absolutlely wonderful friends? :) cause i do. just so y'all know that.)

i'm sick.

i think.

had to go to the doctor's today.

went to the hospital for an EKG.

have a fasting test tomorrow. for bloodwork. involving needles.

have an EEG next monday.

at some point my dr wants me to have an MRI.

oh joy.

i hate worrying people. i hate inconveniencing people, and to me worry falls into that category. three times ago, i was supposed to teach children's church. nancy had to teach at the last min. yesterday i was supposed to teach. nancy had to teach, w/ 15 min to prepare. it annoys me that i'm constantly inconveniencing people. at least it wasn't in the sanctuary this time. last time it was, and for weeks i had people ocming up to me after the service asking me how i was doing. people i didn't know. but i guess that's what you get when you sit on the front row at church and blackout during the sermon.

we thought it was hypoglycemia. we've always thought i had hypoglycemia. every couple of years i'd pass out, generally when i got too hot, dehydrated, and/or had had too much sugar. then this summer it's happened alot. at least half a dozen times. we tried to "treat" it ourselves. more protein... less sugar.. less coke... i started carrrying around a tin of cashews w/ me to eat if i could tell a "sinking spell" was coming. there was also a tin in my car, and mom's car, and mom carried one around. i took to carrying around peanut butter crackers. same reason, they just work faster. i get extremely weak, become exceedingly pale, nauseous, lose vision, lose muscle control, etc... mom told me last time if it happened again, i was going to the doctor. then i fell. but since there was no way to confirm whether or not that was related to everything else, that didn't count as my "one".

then we had yesterday. sunday school. and it hit again. bad. i ended up laying on the couch in there.. jacqui got mom, who gave me cashews.... didn't work... then came the "fun" part... after htat, they gave me apple juice... when protein fails, insert sugar directly.... they prayed for me, made me cry... esther came in, took my pulse, doing her nurse thing in her head.... lobster brought the car around... i had "assitance" getting there, per mom's instructions.... pastor came out to the car and prayed for me... made me cry again... i can't stand people worrying about me... i dont' like hurting people. i'd do anything in my power to do otherwise, and to me, when i cause worry, it's the same as hurt.... anyway, i got home and spent the rest of the day laying down and feeling miserable.... i could tell when church was over, b/c i got phone calls... and i got calls when the special prayer thing was over last night.... i could hear worry in their voices.... i can't stand it... especially when i'm powerless to do anything about it...

i was talking to lobster after my dr's appt, b/c they wanted to know how it went.... he said i scared him yesterday. he's been around on every youth group trip or project, each of which i amazingly get hurt somehow on... the mission trip to matamoros, where at one point we were deroofing a breezeway, when i was up on the scaffolding, and the board i was workin with broke, and cut my leg w/ a nice rusty nail..... the skiing trip to new mexico where i blacked and was put on oxygen, b/c of the altitude... the trip to LIFE 2001 in columbus where i did something to my ankle and it started swelling all up... and countless things from garage sales, etc... but then, in sunday school, with a handful of people, i go as white as a sheet, and i scare him... i don't like scaring people. it scares me when i scare people... and he said repeatedly, i scared him. badly.. how great does that make me feel....

anyway, i went to the doctor today. she doesn't think it's hypoglycemia... mom's convinced otherwise... and she thinks i'm anemic, since it runs in dad's family... again, the doctor thinks otherwise... memaw thinks i'm diabetic, b/c it runs in her family, but i'm not... everybody's got to have an opinion don't they? :-P i know it's just b/c they care... and they want to help... but i just wish they'd all agree on something

my dr thinks it could be a basil (sp?) migrane, which is some weird thing at the back of your neck, but it doesn't cause headaches like normal migraines... and it could explain the loss of vision, etc. and so all the diet changes and stuff i've been making would be pointless, esp b/c you can't "manage" those on your own. you "have" to take medication to prevent them. then again, there's a history of high cholesterol and accompanying heart problems from my dad's side of the family....

so anway, i had all these lovely tests scheduled... i was supposed to get two of them out of the way today, but the hospital scheduled me for the wrong one, so now i have to wait til monday.... the dr also wants to do an MRI, but mom's gonna maker her do a hypoglycemia test before she'll let her do that.... and the lovely part of all this? i can't do several things, mainly drive "by myself" til they get this all figured out.... which means, i can't drive... i can't get to work.... for either job... b/c i'm starting the one on campus tomorrow after my blood work... just great... so getting to my jobs, and moving onto campus should be.. interesting...

anyway, tomorrow i get to deal with needles.... oh goody. i don't have a problem, well a big problem, w/ getting shots now... but this whole drawing blood thing? i don't remember ever doing that before.... i think if God meant for our blood to come out like that, He would've changed the design a lil bit.... :-P i know it's all for the best... but that's not really what i want to do first thing in the morning....

okay, i'll stop complaining now... could you just.. pray for me if you think about it? they're all worrying me now... i've been out of it all day...

i had a lot of neat stuff i wanted to post, but i don't have the energy now, and i thought i should write this stuff first... now i'm tired... i'm gonna go to bed early tonight, b/c i can't eat after midnight b/c of the test, and if i can't eat, i'd rather not be awake to remember....

"Midnight not a sound from the pavement,
has the moon lost her memory, she is smiling alone
In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet
and the wind begins to moan

Memory all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then
I remember a time I new what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every street lamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the streetlamp sputters
and soon it will be morning

Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life, and I musn't give in
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too,
and a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
A stale cold smell of morning
A steetlamp dies, another night is over,
another day is dawning

Touch me, it's so easy to leave me,
all alone with my memory of my days in the sun
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is,
look a new day, has begun"

- Memory, from Cats


it's not that i don't have an abundant supply of happy things...

i'm constantly stumbling accross fascinating and exciting stuff and talking to people who make me laugh so hard it hurts....

it's not that i don't know how to be happy... i do....

but right now, i forget....

...and i don't have the energy to force myself to remember like i usually can...

"I will cry aloud with my voice to the Lord; I make supplication with my voice to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path. In the way where I walk they have hidden a trap for me. Look to the right and see; for there is no one who regards me; there is no escape for me; no one cares for me soul. I cried out to You, O Lord; I said, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Give head to my cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me. Bring my soul out of prison, so that I may give thanks to Your name; the righteous will surround me, for You will deal bountifully with me.'" - Ps. 142 NASB

i don't like forgetting....

...so why can't i remember?

You know, the whole thing about loving God because He first loved me, makes a lot of sense when you think about it. (The Bible generally does :P )

People are fearful. We don't want to get hurt. We want to be safe. We need to know the other person loves us before we commit ourselves to loving that person fully (and yes, I realize there are weak points in my argument, largely parental, unconditional love). But the bottom line is, we like to play it safe.

So then you have God. He comes right out and tells us - He is love. And He loved us first. We're not risking entering into a relationship without love or with that love possibly being based on what we can give. He's the one taking the risk. He loved us first. While we were beyond worthless. While we were an abomination. While we were unlovable.

And that's pretty amazing.

That doesn't mean that there aren't risks involved. Far from it. There will always be risks. But there will also be the assurance that in the end, where it matters, everything will be okay, because we are loved. If we love God, then we are called to obey Him. That's a risk. We sometimes have to do things where we can't possibly understand the good that could come of it. We can generally see all the horrible things that can come of following the path He wants us to walk, but it's harder to see the good. Yet, if we love Him, we will obey Him and we will take the "risk", which in the end isn't a risk at all. Bad things could happen, but they are only temporary. It's not a risk if you are guaranteed eternal goodness as a result. It's like getting a Christmas present. You have to break the tape and mess up the paper sometimes to get to what's inside. That's not really a risk. If you're like me and a packrat, then you wouldn't want to mess up the paper, especially if it's pretty and sparkly. It could be used again or for other things, so you always try to be so careful. But sometimes there is no other way. Or like a glow stick. You have to "break" those to make them work.

Okay, I'll quit with my caffiene induced analogies now. All I wanted to do was write down something I thought about last night. I've always known it. I've read it a million times. I've always understood it. But sometimes things just click. God loved me first.

He took a risk. He loved people who may or may not have loved Him back. He gave the ultimate example of love. He died for me. And He did so knowing that some people would take His love and throw it back in His face. And yet, He still loved me first.

And if He is willing to take such a risk, why can't I take so many smaller "risks" that are asked of me through obedience? Especially when I already know He loves me unconditionally so nothing is really a risk....

*end tangent*

so on to other things....

John Williams music is happy. :) I started listening to it all again yesterday. I don't remember if the happiness came before the music or the other way around. It's kind of like the chicken and the egg, except w/ that one there's an answer. (argue w/ me if you want to, but the chicken came first. end of story.) With this one... who knows? Anyway, this is extremely wonderful music and I'm in an equally wonderful mood. Why shouldn't I be? I got to talk to my roomie last night after I got back pretty late from a college/old youth group thing. (although, letnet decided to kick me off in the middle of our conversation and never let me back on.... arg... ) I just got back from Fazoli's.... mmm.... bread sticks.... lasagna.... cheesecake..... and now more happy music. Life is wonderful. :)

And now I will quit typing and go do something else fun, although I will still be listening to wonderful music. One last thought... one last very random thought out of one of the strange dusty corners of lizard's warped brain...

what if God had a theme song?

pain.

i'm in so much pain.

i don't like pain

it's not a happy thing

it should go away

the back of my neck hurts

my head aches

my knee is missing skin, which does not make it particularly great feeling.

my chin now has very large painful bruises on it

and my jaw hurts

although the jaw isn't necessarily from today

technically it's an old (football :P ) injury that got jarred to much today - wow.. that's something i never in a million years thought that i of all people would say... life's weird :P

i'll probably have a knot on my head in the morning... somewhere...

there's a sore spot on my forehead right now...

from the line in between the two bruises on my chin, it looks like if i hit it any harder, it would've busted open... then i could've gotten stitches... oh goody... lucky me...

so how in the world did all this happen?

not a clue

i don't remember

i remember hitting my head on the doorframe in the bathroom

i remember laying on the carpet in the hall for a while

i remember not really hurting for the longest time, til this awful ache started coming from my chin...

i know why my neck hurts...

i have no clue what my chin hit and then bounced and hit again...

although that's why my jaw hurts.... stupid football i already had enough people gripe me out about not goign to the nurse, and not getting sleep, and playing anyway... bah humbug... never have liked taking medicine or going to the doctor.. i'm not dying and i'm too stubborn. leave me alone. yeah... right... that lasted a whole couple of days til the general populace nagged me enough into goin to the nurse.... i can take pain, but i can't take people worrying about me.

but anyway... i hurt

chocolate can't fix this

this bruise will be a round for a loooong long time

when i was four or five, another girl and i had a head on colision, where my chin and her forehead were injured.... but my body does these weird calcification things, which means i'll never bleed to death... taht kept the one spot i hit from bruising... but the entire lower half of my face turned purple and black for a very long period of time... so i had a white spot in the middle of the bruise masqerading as my face.... that was interesting... still have a lump there... doctor said it would "go away" in time... yeah.. like he knew anything... i will always have a nice lump to remind me not to run so fast :P

hopefully i didn't just get two more lumps...

hopefully my jaw feels better in a day or two

i don't know what in the world's wrong with my neck... it didn't start hurting til around supper time.... and all of this mess happened around ... 10 somethin this mornin? maybe... i don't know how long i layed on the floor before i decided to get up....

i will never try and get to a phone that fast again...

maybe i'll just give up phones

resort to smoke signals

that sounds good

then i can make smores

it actually rained yesterday..... i went out and stood under the oak tree for awhile to listen to the drops hitting the leaves.... it's a nice sound....

i've slipped back into my whole stay up til 2am thing... which isn't good b/c i actually let myself get used to 10+ hours of sleep a night, so now i hate to wake up... i actually don't know why i stay up so late.... i generally claim the excuse that it's to be around people b/c i never am here... and if i stay up late enough, there might actually be a few people to talk to so i'm not so lonely. so sleeping would be avoiding people... which makes sleep a bad thing. sleep, though, is good for several reasons... it keeps you from being tired... from thinking... from being bored... i don't know... it "is puzzlement"

today though, i haven't been that bored... i finally got to see the king and i... (hence the quote) three loooong hours, but it was absolutely wonderful. it's kinda funny, b/c when you watch it, you can tell who on stage and in the audience has seen the movie and who hasn't. those on stage who've seen it act, not like the script, but like the actor in the movie's interpretation of the script.. sometimes it's extremely obvious.. the guy playing the king did a fantastic job, but it was very clear that he's watched yule brenner play that part numerous times... the mannerisms, the speech patterns... a whole lot of mimicking... the little kids were so adorable... but anyway, the audience members who'd never seen teh movie were easy to spot b/c the laughed a lot more at the jokes and were suprised more by alot of the events...

i haven't watched the king and i in at least a year... the last couple of times i've seen the story, i watched anna and the king instead... which isn't musical...

but the musical combined w/ the fact that i actually got to sing on stage w/ a mic on the last song today, make me really really miss singing... and acting.... being in a play is sooo much fun... a week ago i started re-reading the script from anne frank.... that was a wonderful (overly tiring, but still wonderful ) time.... and annie was a blast... i miss the behind stage stuff, and the cast becoming a family practically at the end of a few months.. sure there were the "relatives" that got on everybody's nerves... but overall, it was a very sad thing to leave....

maybe what i miss most is just being around people.... i'm an only child, so tha tand other reasons make me very used to being alone... but 9 months at school surrounded by people all the time decreased my tollerance for solitude...

although the first week or two, aside from the opportunities to sleep, it was nice b/c it let my frayed nerves restore themselves... but now that that's out of the way...

i can live w/o people.. as long as i have God, i'll be fine... but, at the same time, God made me a people person... so is it wrong to actually need to have people around? arg... this is confusing and depressing.... oh well, in a month, i wo'nt have to be lonely or bored anymore....

of course, after next week all the extra people who've been workin in the box office w/ me, b/c of the king and i will be gone, and work will be a lonely place too.... oh well.... at least i can get the room cleaned up and organized again...

hmm maybe then, i'll get up enough courage to go in the theatre and sing for a while... that was one thing i loved about being in a play at wo. i was always there before everybody else, and i got to go in the auditorium, which was kinda spooky, and sing.... phantom of the opera.. cats... songs my mom wrote... any random thing that would pop into my head.. and i loved every second of it... especially when i got all the way down to the front and sat on stage.... well, til i'd hear a sound in the supposedly empty balcony or back stage, and i'd be terrified.... never have liked the dark that much... probably b/c i have an overactive immagination... hmm

anyway, if anybody actually reads this, and has nothing to do and you're online, talk to me! puhleeease!!!! ok, i'll quit begging now... i'm really not that deperate... well, at least not consciously... it'll take a few more days before i sink to begging... :P

(oh! tomorrow is national ice cream sandwhich day! and hypoglycemia or not, i'm havin one! :P )