Wednesday, December 31, 2003
me thinks i figured out where my food fetish comes from... ever since i was little, i can remember coming over to my grandparents' house. they always offered/offer me food... not once, not twice, but constantly... cookies? chips? pie? cake? coke? kool-aid? would you like me to cook you a steak? want a sandwhich? biscuits? rolls? half a cow?
it's really odd... i never thought about taht before, but i guess if i have to get it from somewhere, that's probably it...
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it's really odd... i never thought about taht before, but i guess if i have to get it from somewhere, that's probably it...
Monday, December 29, 2003
Jared’s back… he’s shipping out to iraq on january 16th…
i'm glad i'll be back at school then...
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i'm glad i'll be back at school then...
wow.. they've already updated stalker... i'm now officially a sophomore :)
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arg.. that was really looonng… I really wanted to write last night, so I wrote until I was done… and now that I’ve copied and pasted all four pages I feel like I’ve said too much.. but then again, I’d hate to write it and not do anything with it….
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What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going with it?
Why?
There are so many things in life that I love to do. So many, many different professions that I could see myself going into. God has blessed me with so many talents and abilities. I don’t know why. I don’t know which ones He wants me to pursue. Which ones to I leave alone to lie fallow? Any? I can’t imagine that He would have me ignore these things. That doesn’t seem right. But, from where I am, I can’t see what He would have me to do with them either.
Growing up, I never wanted to do anything but teach. (Okay, almost never.. When I was three, I wanted to be a mail carrier, a secretary, and a bubble gum chewer, all at once :) ) I loved writing on chalk boards. I loved messing with papers day in and day out. Now, I know that there is far more to teaching, but that was always my dream… When I think about it though, I don’t know if I was meant to follow childhood fancy…
I really wish I knew how much other people influence me. I know it’s not that hard to unintentionally do that to me. The only time it isn’t, is when it’s someone intentionally trying, mainly through debate and arguments. (I’m too stubborn for that :) ) I remember at one point, I was talking to my Mom, and she made the statement that when she was little it was her dream to be a teacher. But she didn’t follow it and she regrets it now. She loves what she does completely, but she’ll always regret that decision. I don’t want to live a life of regret. But from my vantage point, no matter which way I go I can see regrets. Part of me wonders if I’m just being a teacher to fulfill her dream. She’s never once pushed me toward this or anything, and any pressure I feel is entirely in my head, but still…. I wonder….
I take statements, sometimes random statements, that people make and I apply them to my life… not in a normal way either… They can say something randomly about how I think you would make a great this, or I could always see you as that, and it impacts me, more so than what they meant. I tend to let other people’s opinions influence me far too much. I’m not actively/consciously seeking their approval or anything…. But for some reason, I let their opinions sway me… Something inside me thinks that they must have this vast wisdom and insight… when, in reality, they generally don’t.. They’re just plain ol’ people….
In high school, maybe middle school but I can’t remember a time for sure back then, I started thinking about being a lawyer. Actually, the first time I remember seriously thinking about it, was after my Mom looked at me one day and told me that I would make a great lawyer. There again. Why?!? arg…
I would love to be a lawyer. I love the whole concept. I like arguing, too much for my own good. I like the paperwork. I like defending the truth and winning, I really like winning, sometimes with a not so Christian perspective…. What’s bad is, I’ve had practice at it. Good practice at it for the last seven years of my life. I can play politics. I can be diplomatic (and/or backstabbing with an innocent smile). I’m ashamed to say that I can do all of that, and do it well. And even more sad to say that I actually enjoy it.
I thought about this a lot when I was writing my last paper for worldview. In it, I talked about my experiences with Model United Nations. How, although I never lied, I became very proficient in the “art� of half truths. I was good at misleading people with my technical truth. I knew how they would take certain things and deliberately played off of that. A large part of me is ashamed at that, but I still enjoyed it. It’s not like it was all evil or anything. I fought against resolutions on abortion and euthanasia and other things detrimental to people everywhere. I came up with unique, ethical, practical, and feasible solutions to global problems. I wrote them well. I won awards. I made projects and learned about countries, which is the “ultimate goal of the program�. I learned very little though. Technically everyone was supposed to learn all about their countries and act as delegates from that country. I didn’t. I learned what I needed to combat con speeches against my resolution. Otherwise, I along with most, acted like an American. If my countries values conflicted with mine, I ignored it or changed countries or rationalized my way out of it.
Anyway, the whole point of all that long rabbit trail is that, no matter how much I would enjoy being a lawyer, I don’t know if I could truly live my life as a godly lawyer. I don’t know if I could truly do that.
I also know that there are other things to being a lawyer. I couldn’t do what criminal lawyers on tv do (and yes I know that real life is nothing like tv, but there had to be some truth in it somewhere for them to originally get an idea from). As much as I love mysteries, both books and movies, I don’t think I could do that, especially if someone’s life were at stake. And, yes, I know that there are other types of law. I wouldn’t have to do that. But if I became a lawyer, I would want to eventually be on the Supreme Court, which does mean, some kind of politics, which I can’t play. I mean, I can, in that I already am capable and I have the potential to do that, but at the same time, it’s not something I’m really comfortable with. I think if I were to do that, I might lose myself.
It’s not that I don’t think there can be Christian lawyers in politics. I know that there can. I think some people are capable of that. Like Erin. She’s grown up in that environment. I haven’t. If I were to just jump in and try it, I’d be worse than a fish out of water. It wouldn’t kill me. I’d adapt. I always do. And I’d be good at it eventually. That’s just what I do, but…. Is that really where God wants me?
On the other side from law, I have education. I love little kids so much. Part of it I think is that as an only child, I get along better typically with people older and younger than I am. And when I teach little kids, they never see me as an adult, as someone with authority. They always see me as an oversized five year old. And that too, is ultimately my fault I guess. All I really want is to be their friend. I want respect, but I’m not willing to fight them for it to the point of losing their friendship. There’s just something too special when kids run up to you after church calling for lizzie and stand there while you take your instruments apart and wait somewhat imapiently for you to finish so you can walk/play/whatever it is as long as you’re with them…. That’s just… precious…
So maybe, I shouldn’t teach elementary kids. I love em too much, if that makes any sense. That leaves middle school and high school… Out of the two, I’d rather teach high school. I don’t have a phobia against middle school like some people. If anything I’d enjoy it more for the challenge. I just think I’d like high school, because of the challenging curriculum. Though, if I wanted a constant challenge, I probably shouldn’t teach math, I should follow Sarah Ruth’s advice and teach English Lit. I would love to spend years analyzing books and poetry and other random things. I would love the excuse to read forever. Then again, I’m really good at math, and grammer’s not my favorite subject. Then again, I really like science. History’s great too.
Then, there’s music.
They always tell me I could teach music and have the best of both worlds. But that’s not what I think I was meant to do. I can’t teach music. It’s just something that I’m good at it. Sure I would love every second of it, but I’m gonna love no matter what I end up doing. That’s just the way I am.
I would love to play professionally.
I could pull it off. I love the challenge of new music. I love playing old music. I love being in the middle of a stage with sound flowing around me. Being part of a band or orchestra is wonderful. Being in the middle of real, tangible music…. Although I would love it, it wouldn’t last. Doing what I love would destroy me. My fingers are too long to be playing the flute. If I even played in band constantly for several more years, it would ruin my hands. It’s unnatural. Last year though, I did discover that an alto flute fits my hands perfectly. That was a beautiful instrument with a lovely tone to it, but that’s another story…
I would love to sing professionally.
Sometimes I think I could pull that off. Sometimes I don’t think there’s any way that I could. And even if I could, would I really want that life? I haven’t had “voice training� since 4th and 5th grade choir. I’m losing some of my range everyday. Sometimes I think if I could only work on it a lot and stretch my voice back out and.. and.. I don’t know.. Sometimes I just wish I could sing forever….
But is that what I was meant to do?
When I was younger I also wanted to be a “rocket scientist�. There was nothing I would’ve loved more than to work at NASA and be paid to stare at the stars. I’m not gonna write out the whole long story behind it, but I would also like one of the “as a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist� shirts. :)
All in all, I don’t think there’s a subject I don’t like and/or can’t do and do well…
Then there’s architecture. I love to design houses. And there’s interior decorating. That’s a lot of fun too, though I usually like the more unorthodox stuff like we do in the dorms- nailing fabric to the wall instead of wall paper. I like the creative challenge that creates. How do you find something to work and make it still have the effect and appearance of being “real�? I’d love to write. I’d love to go back into drafting and maybe do that professionally. I’ve only had one class in it, but I loved it (though I don’t know how much of that was the people and the atmosphere of the class instead of the actual work). It was knit-picky and detailed and as a perfectionist, I liked that.
I know if I wanted to do most any of this other stuff other than law and education, I’d have to go somewhere else. I also know though, that this is where I’m supposed to be. If I was at a state school or some other school, more than likely I would be majoring in music or at least more strongly considering it.
I don’t want to have regrets. I know that’s an inevitable part of life. Small regrets, like I wish I washed the car yesterday, I don’t mind so much. But major things…
Sometimes I talk to people about what I want to do and tell them I’m going to be a teacher. And they take this tone that oh, yeah, you’ll be good at that, but I can see you doing so much more…. And it gets to me… Am I selling myself short? Could I do “more�? Should I? Is that what God wants? I’m constantly looking, but… I can’t see…. But I guess… for now… the looking is all that matters….. i guess.... is it?
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Where am I going with it?
Why?
There are so many things in life that I love to do. So many, many different professions that I could see myself going into. God has blessed me with so many talents and abilities. I don’t know why. I don’t know which ones He wants me to pursue. Which ones to I leave alone to lie fallow? Any? I can’t imagine that He would have me ignore these things. That doesn’t seem right. But, from where I am, I can’t see what He would have me to do with them either.
Growing up, I never wanted to do anything but teach. (Okay, almost never.. When I was three, I wanted to be a mail carrier, a secretary, and a bubble gum chewer, all at once :) ) I loved writing on chalk boards. I loved messing with papers day in and day out. Now, I know that there is far more to teaching, but that was always my dream… When I think about it though, I don’t know if I was meant to follow childhood fancy…
I really wish I knew how much other people influence me. I know it’s not that hard to unintentionally do that to me. The only time it isn’t, is when it’s someone intentionally trying, mainly through debate and arguments. (I’m too stubborn for that :) ) I remember at one point, I was talking to my Mom, and she made the statement that when she was little it was her dream to be a teacher. But she didn’t follow it and she regrets it now. She loves what she does completely, but she’ll always regret that decision. I don’t want to live a life of regret. But from my vantage point, no matter which way I go I can see regrets. Part of me wonders if I’m just being a teacher to fulfill her dream. She’s never once pushed me toward this or anything, and any pressure I feel is entirely in my head, but still…. I wonder….
I take statements, sometimes random statements, that people make and I apply them to my life… not in a normal way either… They can say something randomly about how I think you would make a great this, or I could always see you as that, and it impacts me, more so than what they meant. I tend to let other people’s opinions influence me far too much. I’m not actively/consciously seeking their approval or anything…. But for some reason, I let their opinions sway me… Something inside me thinks that they must have this vast wisdom and insight… when, in reality, they generally don’t.. They’re just plain ol’ people….
In high school, maybe middle school but I can’t remember a time for sure back then, I started thinking about being a lawyer. Actually, the first time I remember seriously thinking about it, was after my Mom looked at me one day and told me that I would make a great lawyer. There again. Why?!? arg…
I would love to be a lawyer. I love the whole concept. I like arguing, too much for my own good. I like the paperwork. I like defending the truth and winning, I really like winning, sometimes with a not so Christian perspective…. What’s bad is, I’ve had practice at it. Good practice at it for the last seven years of my life. I can play politics. I can be diplomatic (and/or backstabbing with an innocent smile). I’m ashamed to say that I can do all of that, and do it well. And even more sad to say that I actually enjoy it.
I thought about this a lot when I was writing my last paper for worldview. In it, I talked about my experiences with Model United Nations. How, although I never lied, I became very proficient in the “art� of half truths. I was good at misleading people with my technical truth. I knew how they would take certain things and deliberately played off of that. A large part of me is ashamed at that, but I still enjoyed it. It’s not like it was all evil or anything. I fought against resolutions on abortion and euthanasia and other things detrimental to people everywhere. I came up with unique, ethical, practical, and feasible solutions to global problems. I wrote them well. I won awards. I made projects and learned about countries, which is the “ultimate goal of the program�. I learned very little though. Technically everyone was supposed to learn all about their countries and act as delegates from that country. I didn’t. I learned what I needed to combat con speeches against my resolution. Otherwise, I along with most, acted like an American. If my countries values conflicted with mine, I ignored it or changed countries or rationalized my way out of it.
Anyway, the whole point of all that long rabbit trail is that, no matter how much I would enjoy being a lawyer, I don’t know if I could truly live my life as a godly lawyer. I don’t know if I could truly do that.
I also know that there are other things to being a lawyer. I couldn’t do what criminal lawyers on tv do (and yes I know that real life is nothing like tv, but there had to be some truth in it somewhere for them to originally get an idea from). As much as I love mysteries, both books and movies, I don’t think I could do that, especially if someone’s life were at stake. And, yes, I know that there are other types of law. I wouldn’t have to do that. But if I became a lawyer, I would want to eventually be on the Supreme Court, which does mean, some kind of politics, which I can’t play. I mean, I can, in that I already am capable and I have the potential to do that, but at the same time, it’s not something I’m really comfortable with. I think if I were to do that, I might lose myself.
It’s not that I don’t think there can be Christian lawyers in politics. I know that there can. I think some people are capable of that. Like Erin. She’s grown up in that environment. I haven’t. If I were to just jump in and try it, I’d be worse than a fish out of water. It wouldn’t kill me. I’d adapt. I always do. And I’d be good at it eventually. That’s just what I do, but…. Is that really where God wants me?
On the other side from law, I have education. I love little kids so much. Part of it I think is that as an only child, I get along better typically with people older and younger than I am. And when I teach little kids, they never see me as an adult, as someone with authority. They always see me as an oversized five year old. And that too, is ultimately my fault I guess. All I really want is to be their friend. I want respect, but I’m not willing to fight them for it to the point of losing their friendship. There’s just something too special when kids run up to you after church calling for lizzie and stand there while you take your instruments apart and wait somewhat imapiently for you to finish so you can walk/play/whatever it is as long as you’re with them…. That’s just… precious…
So maybe, I shouldn’t teach elementary kids. I love em too much, if that makes any sense. That leaves middle school and high school… Out of the two, I’d rather teach high school. I don’t have a phobia against middle school like some people. If anything I’d enjoy it more for the challenge. I just think I’d like high school, because of the challenging curriculum. Though, if I wanted a constant challenge, I probably shouldn’t teach math, I should follow Sarah Ruth’s advice and teach English Lit. I would love to spend years analyzing books and poetry and other random things. I would love the excuse to read forever. Then again, I’m really good at math, and grammer’s not my favorite subject. Then again, I really like science. History’s great too.
Then, there’s music.
They always tell me I could teach music and have the best of both worlds. But that’s not what I think I was meant to do. I can’t teach music. It’s just something that I’m good at it. Sure I would love every second of it, but I’m gonna love no matter what I end up doing. That’s just the way I am.
I would love to play professionally.
I could pull it off. I love the challenge of new music. I love playing old music. I love being in the middle of a stage with sound flowing around me. Being part of a band or orchestra is wonderful. Being in the middle of real, tangible music…. Although I would love it, it wouldn’t last. Doing what I love would destroy me. My fingers are too long to be playing the flute. If I even played in band constantly for several more years, it would ruin my hands. It’s unnatural. Last year though, I did discover that an alto flute fits my hands perfectly. That was a beautiful instrument with a lovely tone to it, but that’s another story…
I would love to sing professionally.
Sometimes I think I could pull that off. Sometimes I don’t think there’s any way that I could. And even if I could, would I really want that life? I haven’t had “voice training� since 4th and 5th grade choir. I’m losing some of my range everyday. Sometimes I think if I could only work on it a lot and stretch my voice back out and.. and.. I don’t know.. Sometimes I just wish I could sing forever….
But is that what I was meant to do?
When I was younger I also wanted to be a “rocket scientist�. There was nothing I would’ve loved more than to work at NASA and be paid to stare at the stars. I’m not gonna write out the whole long story behind it, but I would also like one of the “as a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist� shirts. :)
All in all, I don’t think there’s a subject I don’t like and/or can’t do and do well…
Then there’s architecture. I love to design houses. And there’s interior decorating. That’s a lot of fun too, though I usually like the more unorthodox stuff like we do in the dorms- nailing fabric to the wall instead of wall paper. I like the creative challenge that creates. How do you find something to work and make it still have the effect and appearance of being “real�? I’d love to write. I’d love to go back into drafting and maybe do that professionally. I’ve only had one class in it, but I loved it (though I don’t know how much of that was the people and the atmosphere of the class instead of the actual work). It was knit-picky and detailed and as a perfectionist, I liked that.
I know if I wanted to do most any of this other stuff other than law and education, I’d have to go somewhere else. I also know though, that this is where I’m supposed to be. If I was at a state school or some other school, more than likely I would be majoring in music or at least more strongly considering it.
I don’t want to have regrets. I know that’s an inevitable part of life. Small regrets, like I wish I washed the car yesterday, I don’t mind so much. But major things…
Sometimes I talk to people about what I want to do and tell them I’m going to be a teacher. And they take this tone that oh, yeah, you’ll be good at that, but I can see you doing so much more…. And it gets to me… Am I selling myself short? Could I do “more�? Should I? Is that what God wants? I’m constantly looking, but… I can’t see…. But I guess… for now… the looking is all that matters….. i guess.... is it?
Saturday, December 27, 2003
i'm not really in a writing mood... i don't feel like analyzing anything... i don't feel like being goofy... i don't feel like being "insightful"... and at that i'm gonna stop cause i don't feel like complaining :)
nobody's stilll on and what i really feel like doing though is talking to people. at school, i could at least talk to people's away messages.... mildly entertaining.... but nobody's even online and away now...
i was at home but my mom and i started this awfully boring pathetic john wayne movie... yuck... there are some of those i like... hatari especially... i like hatari alot, but htis... this was.. anyway.. i left cause she wanted to keep watching it just to make fun of it.. i tried that for a while, but i got sick of it.. there's nothing really to do so i came over here to talk to people who may just exist in my imagination because i haven't seen them in sooooo loooooooooong :)
lalalalalalalla
i could just start putting random quotes on here... i found a whole bunch when i was writing my speech last year... or i could copy and paste stuff out of reflection papers and worldview papers and make myself sound all philosophical and stuff... but that's not fun on a dreary day..
this is a very dreary day... it would be a rainy day, but it refuses to rain... it's bein stubborn :) it thinks it can keep me from singing such wonderful rainy songs as singin in the rain. hah! i'll show it.. i can be rather stubborn myself...
do you have any idea how pathetic i sound??!?
i'm arguing with myself about stupid rain clouds... sigh... such is the miserable level i've sunk to :)
maybe i should just go home and go to sleep.... sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... hmm... nah.. i can't bother people while i sleep... decisions, decisions... hmph
yeah! a person to talk to.... i need more than one, or somebody that's not doin other things... cause long delays in their responces are... arg!!! why am i complaining?! i got what i wanted.. sorta... i have someone to talk to... why can't i leave well enough alone?! arg....
well that was short... they left... now what... back to annoying my self with typing... lalallalalallallalalallalalalallalalalalala
i could type the world's longest words in here... make it look like i at least accomplished something.. but those are really really reallly long.. and i can't spell em anyway...
i could clean out my email but that's what i did for two and a half hours two hours ago.... lalallalalallalalallaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
what to say.... there's nothing to say, but silence although golden is no fun to type....
hmmm
i think i've finally reread through everything i have on my computer... that's alot of stuff... alot of it is made up of papers from 4 yrs of a.p. english... and i've just realized i miss that alot.. i miss getting to read books and analyzing them and looking for symbolism and getting to have fun with it at the same time... sarah ruth's tryin to talk me into bein an english teacher... i would hate the grammer and all the knit-picky detailed stuff, but it would be so fun to get to spend my life reading and analyzing literature with kids every year... i wouldn't mind teaching lit at all, english as a whole though.... maybe i can teach suthun :) maybe it'll be better this semester. i didn't have an english class last semester. i miss getting to read as a mandatory thing... otherwise i have no time to read in the semester anyway. i enjoy reading, so mandatory and voluntary don't make a difference, i just have to make time for one.
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nobody's stilll on and what i really feel like doing though is talking to people. at school, i could at least talk to people's away messages.... mildly entertaining.... but nobody's even online and away now...
i was at home but my mom and i started this awfully boring pathetic john wayne movie... yuck... there are some of those i like... hatari especially... i like hatari alot, but htis... this was.. anyway.. i left cause she wanted to keep watching it just to make fun of it.. i tried that for a while, but i got sick of it.. there's nothing really to do so i came over here to talk to people who may just exist in my imagination because i haven't seen them in sooooo loooooooooong :)
lalalalalalalla
i could just start putting random quotes on here... i found a whole bunch when i was writing my speech last year... or i could copy and paste stuff out of reflection papers and worldview papers and make myself sound all philosophical and stuff... but that's not fun on a dreary day..
this is a very dreary day... it would be a rainy day, but it refuses to rain... it's bein stubborn :) it thinks it can keep me from singing such wonderful rainy songs as singin in the rain. hah! i'll show it.. i can be rather stubborn myself...
do you have any idea how pathetic i sound??!?
i'm arguing with myself about stupid rain clouds... sigh... such is the miserable level i've sunk to :)
maybe i should just go home and go to sleep.... sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... hmm... nah.. i can't bother people while i sleep... decisions, decisions... hmph
yeah! a person to talk to.... i need more than one, or somebody that's not doin other things... cause long delays in their responces are... arg!!! why am i complaining?! i got what i wanted.. sorta... i have someone to talk to... why can't i leave well enough alone?! arg....
well that was short... they left... now what... back to annoying my self with typing... lalallalalallallalalallalalalallalalalalala
i could type the world's longest words in here... make it look like i at least accomplished something.. but those are really really reallly long.. and i can't spell em anyway...
i could clean out my email but that's what i did for two and a half hours two hours ago.... lalallalalallalalallaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
what to say.... there's nothing to say, but silence although golden is no fun to type....
hmmm
i think i've finally reread through everything i have on my computer... that's alot of stuff... alot of it is made up of papers from 4 yrs of a.p. english... and i've just realized i miss that alot.. i miss getting to read books and analyzing them and looking for symbolism and getting to have fun with it at the same time... sarah ruth's tryin to talk me into bein an english teacher... i would hate the grammer and all the knit-picky detailed stuff, but it would be so fun to get to spend my life reading and analyzing literature with kids every year... i wouldn't mind teaching lit at all, english as a whole though.... maybe i can teach suthun :) maybe it'll be better this semester. i didn't have an english class last semester. i miss getting to read as a mandatory thing... otherwise i have no time to read in the semester anyway. i enjoy reading, so mandatory and voluntary don't make a difference, i just have to make time for one.
:( two and a half hours and not one person to talk to.... sigh...
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yeah!!! i discovered a new way to get online... i'm sitting in the "sky box" - the lounge at the other end of the second floor above the library, using their phone line to dial into letnet... i was just gonna sit in Mom's office and use the wireless thingy but i couldn't figure it out. campus is deserted... it's so.. empty.. i know there are (some) people here, but it's just different...
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Friday, December 26, 2003
merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it didn't snow, of course... but there's always next year :)
arg....
sometimes i get annoyed with this unrealistic optimism i get stuck in alot....
oh well..
:) life's still very happy :)
and it did snow some where for CHRISTmas... don't know where... probably siberia or something, but that still counts :)
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arg....
sometimes i get annoyed with this unrealistic optimism i get stuck in alot....
oh well..
:) life's still very happy :)
and it did snow some where for CHRISTmas... don't know where... probably siberia or something, but that still counts :)
Saturday, December 20, 2003
letnet's still down... back at my grandparent's again.. i feel kinda guilty b/c i come here and then i don't talk to them really, i just come out here and hook my computer up for a couple of hours.... i mean, i'm doing what i officially came to do... i'm buying my textbooks and stuff... but that's only on the side.. i really got on to talk to people - my friends that i have to be away from for a whole long month...
i'm not like most of the people at school who dread going back and being forced to spend time with their old friends or like the people i graduated with who dread going back b/c they hate college life. i love spending time with my old freinds, well not old. they aren't old. they just came before. but they're still my friends. there are several that it'll be severely uncomfortable to be around, if i even see them, b/c i've read their online journal things they have (that i don't think they know that i know about, not that they'd care anyway) and i've found out certain.. lifestlye changes that they've made that... will make being around them even more uncomfortable than it was... but it's not like i hate them or anything. those that i'll be uncomfortable around, i already was anyway, b/c most of that group of friends started changing several years ago.. they started diong things and going places and stuff that... anyway.. i don't wanna waste what little time i have online going off on that rabbit trail... :)
what was i even talking about? oh yeah.. so i don't mind going home, other than the separation thing.. but it also makes me feel kinda guilty sometimes when i'm around my friends here. i love letourneau so much. i couldn't imagine being anywhere else. i have a wonderful roommate, a great suite, a fun floor, a great brother floor, and a whole lot of wonderful friends in general. sure the food isn't that wonderfully great and i get no sleep and tons of stress, but that's life... and i couldn't imagine living i anywhere else... i just oculdn't... but most of my friends don't get along with their roommates.. they don't get involved with stuff on campus... possibly b/c most of it is involving alcohol.... but when people ask us how we like college, and they explain all of that, it makes it really hard for me... i feel like i'm gloating to some extent... in some ways, it looks like everything's been handed to me... like i have a wonderful life with no problems and that everything's just peachy... which it isn't.. but i do have a wonderful life.. like the tuition thing.. it's free for me.. "free"... it's basically part of my mom's salary, so in a way it's not free b/c they use that as a reason for not having higher salaries.. which isn't a bad thing.. but.. arg.. nevermind.. stupid rabbit trails...
anyways, if it wasn't "handed to me" there would've been practically no way i could've gone to lu. sure i could've gotten some scholorships but it wouldn't have been enough and there's no way my mom would ever let me go into debt for college.... course i never even thought about going here until my mom started working here anyway.. i couldn't have been happier any where else.. well, i say that, but it's not really true.. i guess that's my point, which i've lost somewhere along the way :) ...
God has given me this fantastic ability to be happy/content/whatever you wanna call it, in any situation pretty much.. i guess if i was going to unt or uta with my friends, i would've found something to be happy about... which takes me back to the really long entry i started the other day and never finished. i still want to finish that at some point, but i decided a while ago that all of that's very pointless and has the ability to make me kinda depressed.. there's no point.. so what if people only choose to see one side of me? so what if i feel like i'm forced to be almost different people in different settings? it doesn't matter. i'm not different people.. jsut very... flexible.. :) and if they only know me as a book, or as a chocolate provider, or as entertainment, then they at least know me as something... and that's a start.. it's a bridge into their lives and from theirs into mine. it's okay.. i really need to stop stressing over it.. maybe i decided to start stressin over all that again, b/c school's out and there's no homework or tests to worry about :) in which case, i'll quit and go sleep some more :)
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i'm not like most of the people at school who dread going back and being forced to spend time with their old friends or like the people i graduated with who dread going back b/c they hate college life. i love spending time with my old freinds, well not old. they aren't old. they just came before. but they're still my friends. there are several that it'll be severely uncomfortable to be around, if i even see them, b/c i've read their online journal things they have (that i don't think they know that i know about, not that they'd care anyway) and i've found out certain.. lifestlye changes that they've made that... will make being around them even more uncomfortable than it was... but it's not like i hate them or anything. those that i'll be uncomfortable around, i already was anyway, b/c most of that group of friends started changing several years ago.. they started diong things and going places and stuff that... anyway.. i don't wanna waste what little time i have online going off on that rabbit trail... :)
what was i even talking about? oh yeah.. so i don't mind going home, other than the separation thing.. but it also makes me feel kinda guilty sometimes when i'm around my friends here. i love letourneau so much. i couldn't imagine being anywhere else. i have a wonderful roommate, a great suite, a fun floor, a great brother floor, and a whole lot of wonderful friends in general. sure the food isn't that wonderfully great and i get no sleep and tons of stress, but that's life... and i couldn't imagine living i anywhere else... i just oculdn't... but most of my friends don't get along with their roommates.. they don't get involved with stuff on campus... possibly b/c most of it is involving alcohol.... but when people ask us how we like college, and they explain all of that, it makes it really hard for me... i feel like i'm gloating to some extent... in some ways, it looks like everything's been handed to me... like i have a wonderful life with no problems and that everything's just peachy... which it isn't.. but i do have a wonderful life.. like the tuition thing.. it's free for me.. "free"... it's basically part of my mom's salary, so in a way it's not free b/c they use that as a reason for not having higher salaries.. which isn't a bad thing.. but.. arg.. nevermind.. stupid rabbit trails...
anyways, if it wasn't "handed to me" there would've been practically no way i could've gone to lu. sure i could've gotten some scholorships but it wouldn't have been enough and there's no way my mom would ever let me go into debt for college.... course i never even thought about going here until my mom started working here anyway.. i couldn't have been happier any where else.. well, i say that, but it's not really true.. i guess that's my point, which i've lost somewhere along the way :) ...
God has given me this fantastic ability to be happy/content/whatever you wanna call it, in any situation pretty much.. i guess if i was going to unt or uta with my friends, i would've found something to be happy about... which takes me back to the really long entry i started the other day and never finished. i still want to finish that at some point, but i decided a while ago that all of that's very pointless and has the ability to make me kinda depressed.. there's no point.. so what if people only choose to see one side of me? so what if i feel like i'm forced to be almost different people in different settings? it doesn't matter. i'm not different people.. jsut very... flexible.. :) and if they only know me as a book, or as a chocolate provider, or as entertainment, then they at least know me as something... and that's a start.. it's a bridge into their lives and from theirs into mine. it's okay.. i really need to stop stressing over it.. maybe i decided to start stressin over all that again, b/c school's out and there's no homework or tests to worry about :) in which case, i'll quit and go sleep some more :)
Friday, December 19, 2003
letnet's down... ever since i signed off tuesday afternoon to go to walmart for my mom, til now.. they dont know what's wrong.. they don't know why the dial up connection isn't working and they don't know how long it's gonna take.. this is miserable.. i'm goin through withdrawl.. right now i'm at my grandparents house using their dsl line... :) that's happy at least
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003
my mind kept swirling around full of thoughts that i wanted to write about and think about today.... but that was so long ago it seems... sometimes i wish i had a tape recorder for all of my thoughts, because they make so much sense and sound so logical in my head. but somewhere between thinking and rethinking, something gets lost. usually not that much gets lost between my head and my paper, or the keyboard as this case may be. sometimes it even makes things clearer.
i'm gonna try and remember some of this and possibly try and revive some of the spirit behind the original thought.......
my whole life it feels as though i've been in boxes.. wait.. i don't wanna start there... this is really hard.. cause i was driving while i was thinking all this out, so i have to remember the order i thought in by the progression of my journey... kinda strange.. anyway.....
i live in three worlds. each slightly connected, but still different. in each i have three different, i suppose you could call them roles, or boxes, or lives, or whatever other name you wish to place upon them. church, home, and school (at this point, school has become different than what it was all my life and the former school has combined with home). (arg.. i'm really not in the right mood to be writing all of this.. maybe i'll write tomorrow morning while i eat breakfast and go to sleep now....) maybe there are more than 3... cause white oak can't really be grouped with home.. so you have home, church, LU, white oak, and family. in white oak, i was "smart", not really anything more or less. if they wanted to know something or couldn't understand, they would ask me, or sometimes it was more of an expectation than a request. that's what i was. i was the source of answers. at lu sometimes, i feel the same way but with my food, especially when people come in without so much as a greeting and demand chocolate.. or they come in day after day.. "lizzie, do you have some chocolate i can borrow?" "are you sure you don't mind?" when everytime, they know i'll say the same thing.... i guess lu is split into different categories as well.. online, i'm merely entertainment. people start talkin to me, because they heard i was amusing... (don't have time to finish this now.. i'll do it later)
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i'm gonna try and remember some of this and possibly try and revive some of the spirit behind the original thought.......
my whole life it feels as though i've been in boxes.. wait.. i don't wanna start there... this is really hard.. cause i was driving while i was thinking all this out, so i have to remember the order i thought in by the progression of my journey... kinda strange.. anyway.....
i live in three worlds. each slightly connected, but still different. in each i have three different, i suppose you could call them roles, or boxes, or lives, or whatever other name you wish to place upon them. church, home, and school (at this point, school has become different than what it was all my life and the former school has combined with home). (arg.. i'm really not in the right mood to be writing all of this.. maybe i'll write tomorrow morning while i eat breakfast and go to sleep now....) maybe there are more than 3... cause white oak can't really be grouped with home.. so you have home, church, LU, white oak, and family. in white oak, i was "smart", not really anything more or less. if they wanted to know something or couldn't understand, they would ask me, or sometimes it was more of an expectation than a request. that's what i was. i was the source of answers. at lu sometimes, i feel the same way but with my food, especially when people come in without so much as a greeting and demand chocolate.. or they come in day after day.. "lizzie, do you have some chocolate i can borrow?" "are you sure you don't mind?" when everytime, they know i'll say the same thing.... i guess lu is split into different categories as well.. online, i'm merely entertainment. people start talkin to me, because they heard i was amusing... (don't have time to finish this now.. i'll do it later)
Monday, December 15, 2003
i have so many, many things i want to write about, but that is always the case with me... they're all random and off completely different rabbit trails... if i write about just one and put the other off til tomorrow, then i'll have something else i want to write about then... arg... oh well... i'll write til i get tired and run out of cheeseball and then i'll quit...
hmmm.. where to start....
i think i finally, maybe, possibly, probably not though, figured out my personality type... i don's think i'm an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert.... i think i'm an extroverted only child... i love people and are energized by them, but i can also stand and sometimes function better alone... if that makes any sense... i guess it doesn't have to make sense to any one but me... it's just my justification :) i had more to say, but as with all things that i put off writing down, i've long forgotten what it was or how to word it.
after midnight.. time for me to sleep.. maybe i'll write more tomorrow.. maybe not...
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hmmm.. where to start....
i think i finally, maybe, possibly, probably not though, figured out my personality type... i don's think i'm an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert.... i think i'm an extroverted only child... i love people and are energized by them, but i can also stand and sometimes function better alone... if that makes any sense... i guess it doesn't have to make sense to any one but me... it's just my justification :) i had more to say, but as with all things that i put off writing down, i've long forgotten what it was or how to word it.
after midnight.. time for me to sleep.. maybe i'll write more tomorrow.. maybe not...
Saturday, December 13, 2003
it's very cold.... very very cold... anyway, i had a bunch of stuff i wanted to write about earlier, but i don't feel like it right now.. maybe i will when i wake up some rmore...
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Tuesday, December 09, 2003
ok, so i really was planning on going to bed, after i eat aind interrogate my roommate.... but she's asleep... so now i'm eating and bored... so i decided that i might as well write simething on here.... don't know what to write about... i did have a thought, but then i lost it.. oh well, now my stomach is happy and it's almost 4am , so i'm gonna go to sleep.... i'll remember what i wanted to say tomorrow and write it later....
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Monday, December 08, 2003
Sometimes people just amaze me. They don't do anything other then be kind. They're just being nice, with a little compassion mixed in. And everytime, I am utterly dismayed. I have no problem with being nice to people. I love it in fact. I love doing things for them and helping them and entertaining them and loving them and just being all around friendly. That's something that I think is woderful. I notice it when people don't do that, and it strikes me as rude. But when they actually do exibit the kind behavior that a.. true Southerner :) ought to, then I am throughly and utterly speechless. I know not what words to use, just like I don't have a clue how to respond when people compliment or thank me for something. Usually it's a flute or vocal performance at church, and there's always somthing that I can tell I messed up, and I want to tell them that. I start thinking that they noticed it to and were just being nice out of courtesy. My mom told me that I might be the same way she has become simply because I gre up in slightly similar circumstances (though at the same time they are polar oposites). She thought I, too, might have a problem thinking that I am not worth anything, or at least in the eyes or sacrifices of others. I know that I am loved and that I am worth more than I could ever know. I don't feel worthless, but my actions seem to indicate that I do somewhere deep down believe that... I don't know whether or not that's what I actually feel or if it's more of a ocnditioned responce to kindness in general. Regardless of where it is or how it got there or if it's truly there at all, it is an aspect of my life that bothers me to no end. It annoys me so much. I hate feeling so akward when people give me compliments. Pastor Ben has even talked to me about it, and asked me why I can't except his compliments.. That was two years ago, and I still don't have an answer. I don't know why I'm writing about this now or if I'll even make it avaliable to the public, but I had to write it. I'm still not sure what to think of these online things yet. Anyway, this whole college experience has been wonderfully amazing and at the same time very perplexing, because there are kind people here. People who obviously care about me and it surprises me to no end... I have a new family here. A new home. I am loved and cared for.. A couple of months ago, my mom told me that she was extremely thank ful for one of the gift,s God had given me. She told me that I had been given the gift of being loved, by God, and ffamily and friends, and people aroung me whose lives I somehow connect with. I am thankful not only that I have the ability to be loved and am constantly overwhelmed with it, but also at the same time, that I have been blessed extremely with the abililty to love. People find their ways so ealiy into my heart, which is a bad thing at the same time as it's good. There are people who I have not known long that I might possibly die for, but the question is whether or not they derver the love that I give them. When I was little, my mom was terrified that I would be kidnapped because I was such ahppy little baby, always smiling at everybody, sweetely trusting and loving anybody I saw. Soon after that, I became more shy, and introverted rapidly. These past few years I've, some people would say changed, I'd say though that I've become me again. I'm either an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert. I don't know which. But, either way, I'm different now than I was in middle school and my sophmore year, and last month. I'm still shy in many ways, yet in many many ways, I'm back to my original outgoing happy person. I don't know how I drifted all the way from the begining to here, but I did, and I see no reason to undo it. I'm getting tired now, I think I'll go to sleep. Goodnight!
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