Saturday, December 20, 2003
letnet's still down... back at my grandparent's again.. i feel kinda guilty b/c i come here and then i don't talk to them really, i just come out here and hook my computer up for a couple of hours.... i mean, i'm doing what i officially came to do... i'm buying my textbooks and stuff... but that's only on the side.. i really got on to talk to people - my friends that i have to be away from for a whole long month...
i'm not like most of the people at school who dread going back and being forced to spend time with their old friends or like the people i graduated with who dread going back b/c they hate college life. i love spending time with my old freinds, well not old. they aren't old. they just came before. but they're still my friends. there are several that it'll be severely uncomfortable to be around, if i even see them, b/c i've read their online journal things they have (that i don't think they know that i know about, not that they'd care anyway) and i've found out certain.. lifestlye changes that they've made that... will make being around them even more uncomfortable than it was... but it's not like i hate them or anything. those that i'll be uncomfortable around, i already was anyway, b/c most of that group of friends started changing several years ago.. they started diong things and going places and stuff that... anyway.. i don't wanna waste what little time i have online going off on that rabbit trail... :)
what was i even talking about? oh yeah.. so i don't mind going home, other than the separation thing.. but it also makes me feel kinda guilty sometimes when i'm around my friends here. i love letourneau so much. i couldn't imagine being anywhere else. i have a wonderful roommate, a great suite, a fun floor, a great brother floor, and a whole lot of wonderful friends in general. sure the food isn't that wonderfully great and i get no sleep and tons of stress, but that's life... and i couldn't imagine living i anywhere else... i just oculdn't... but most of my friends don't get along with their roommates.. they don't get involved with stuff on campus... possibly b/c most of it is involving alcohol.... but when people ask us how we like college, and they explain all of that, it makes it really hard for me... i feel like i'm gloating to some extent... in some ways, it looks like everything's been handed to me... like i have a wonderful life with no problems and that everything's just peachy... which it isn't.. but i do have a wonderful life.. like the tuition thing.. it's free for me.. "free"... it's basically part of my mom's salary, so in a way it's not free b/c they use that as a reason for not having higher salaries.. which isn't a bad thing.. but.. arg.. nevermind.. stupid rabbit trails...
anyways, if it wasn't "handed to me" there would've been practically no way i could've gone to lu. sure i could've gotten some scholorships but it wouldn't have been enough and there's no way my mom would ever let me go into debt for college.... course i never even thought about going here until my mom started working here anyway.. i couldn't have been happier any where else.. well, i say that, but it's not really true.. i guess that's my point, which i've lost somewhere along the way :) ...
God has given me this fantastic ability to be happy/content/whatever you wanna call it, in any situation pretty much.. i guess if i was going to unt or uta with my friends, i would've found something to be happy about... which takes me back to the really long entry i started the other day and never finished. i still want to finish that at some point, but i decided a while ago that all of that's very pointless and has the ability to make me kinda depressed.. there's no point.. so what if people only choose to see one side of me? so what if i feel like i'm forced to be almost different people in different settings? it doesn't matter. i'm not different people.. jsut very... flexible.. :) and if they only know me as a book, or as a chocolate provider, or as entertainment, then they at least know me as something... and that's a start.. it's a bridge into their lives and from theirs into mine. it's okay.. i really need to stop stressing over it.. maybe i decided to start stressin over all that again, b/c school's out and there's no homework or tests to worry about :) in which case, i'll quit and go sleep some more :)
i'm not like most of the people at school who dread going back and being forced to spend time with their old friends or like the people i graduated with who dread going back b/c they hate college life. i love spending time with my old freinds, well not old. they aren't old. they just came before. but they're still my friends. there are several that it'll be severely uncomfortable to be around, if i even see them, b/c i've read their online journal things they have (that i don't think they know that i know about, not that they'd care anyway) and i've found out certain.. lifestlye changes that they've made that... will make being around them even more uncomfortable than it was... but it's not like i hate them or anything. those that i'll be uncomfortable around, i already was anyway, b/c most of that group of friends started changing several years ago.. they started diong things and going places and stuff that... anyway.. i don't wanna waste what little time i have online going off on that rabbit trail... :)
what was i even talking about? oh yeah.. so i don't mind going home, other than the separation thing.. but it also makes me feel kinda guilty sometimes when i'm around my friends here. i love letourneau so much. i couldn't imagine being anywhere else. i have a wonderful roommate, a great suite, a fun floor, a great brother floor, and a whole lot of wonderful friends in general. sure the food isn't that wonderfully great and i get no sleep and tons of stress, but that's life... and i couldn't imagine living i anywhere else... i just oculdn't... but most of my friends don't get along with their roommates.. they don't get involved with stuff on campus... possibly b/c most of it is involving alcohol.... but when people ask us how we like college, and they explain all of that, it makes it really hard for me... i feel like i'm gloating to some extent... in some ways, it looks like everything's been handed to me... like i have a wonderful life with no problems and that everything's just peachy... which it isn't.. but i do have a wonderful life.. like the tuition thing.. it's free for me.. "free"... it's basically part of my mom's salary, so in a way it's not free b/c they use that as a reason for not having higher salaries.. which isn't a bad thing.. but.. arg.. nevermind.. stupid rabbit trails...
anyways, if it wasn't "handed to me" there would've been practically no way i could've gone to lu. sure i could've gotten some scholorships but it wouldn't have been enough and there's no way my mom would ever let me go into debt for college.... course i never even thought about going here until my mom started working here anyway.. i couldn't have been happier any where else.. well, i say that, but it's not really true.. i guess that's my point, which i've lost somewhere along the way :) ...
God has given me this fantastic ability to be happy/content/whatever you wanna call it, in any situation pretty much.. i guess if i was going to unt or uta with my friends, i would've found something to be happy about... which takes me back to the really long entry i started the other day and never finished. i still want to finish that at some point, but i decided a while ago that all of that's very pointless and has the ability to make me kinda depressed.. there's no point.. so what if people only choose to see one side of me? so what if i feel like i'm forced to be almost different people in different settings? it doesn't matter. i'm not different people.. jsut very... flexible.. :) and if they only know me as a book, or as a chocolate provider, or as entertainment, then they at least know me as something... and that's a start.. it's a bridge into their lives and from theirs into mine. it's okay.. i really need to stop stressing over it.. maybe i decided to start stressin over all that again, b/c school's out and there's no homework or tests to worry about :) in which case, i'll quit and go sleep some more :)
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