The world needs more chocolate

Sometimes people just amaze me. They don't do anything other then be kind. They're just being nice, with a little compassion mixed in. And everytime, I am utterly dismayed. I have no problem with being nice to people. I love it in fact. I love doing things for them and helping them and entertaining them and loving them and just being all around friendly. That's something that I think is woderful. I notice it when people don't do that, and it strikes me as rude. But when they actually do exibit the kind behavior that a.. true Southerner :) ought to, then I am throughly and utterly speechless. I know not what words to use, just like I don't have a clue how to respond when people compliment or thank me for something. Usually it's a flute or vocal performance at church, and there's always somthing that I can tell I messed up, and I want to tell them that. I start thinking that they noticed it to and were just being nice out of courtesy. My mom told me that I might be the same way she has become simply because I gre up in slightly similar circumstances (though at the same time they are polar oposites). She thought I, too, might have a problem thinking that I am not worth anything, or at least in the eyes or sacrifices of others. I know that I am loved and that I am worth more than I could ever know. I don't feel worthless, but my actions seem to indicate that I do somewhere deep down believe that... I don't know whether or not that's what I actually feel or if it's more of a ocnditioned responce to kindness in general. Regardless of where it is or how it got there or if it's truly there at all, it is an aspect of my life that bothers me to no end. It annoys me so much. I hate feeling so akward when people give me compliments. Pastor Ben has even talked to me about it, and asked me why I can't except his compliments.. That was two years ago, and I still don't have an answer. I don't know why I'm writing about this now or if I'll even make it avaliable to the public, but I had to write it. I'm still not sure what to think of these online things yet. Anyway, this whole college experience has been wonderfully amazing and at the same time very perplexing, because there are kind people here. People who obviously care about me and it surprises me to no end... I have a new family here. A new home. I am loved and cared for.. A couple of months ago, my mom told me that she was extremely thank ful for one of the gift,s God had given me. She told me that I had been given the gift of being loved, by God, and ffamily and friends, and people aroung me whose lives I somehow connect with. I am thankful not only that I have the ability to be loved and am constantly overwhelmed with it, but also at the same time, that I have been blessed extremely with the abililty to love. People find their ways so ealiy into my heart, which is a bad thing at the same time as it's good. There are people who I have not known long that I might possibly die for, but the question is whether or not they derver the love that I give them. When I was little, my mom was terrified that I would be kidnapped because I was such ahppy little baby, always smiling at everybody, sweetely trusting and loving anybody I saw. Soon after that, I became more shy, and introverted rapidly. These past few years I've, some people would say changed, I'd say though that I've become me again. I'm either an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert. I don't know which. But, either way, I'm different now than I was in middle school and my sophmore year, and last month. I'm still shy in many ways, yet in many many ways, I'm back to my original outgoing happy person. I don't know how I drifted all the way from the begining to here, but I did, and I see no reason to undo it. I'm getting tired now, I think I'll go to sleep. Goodnight!