Monday, December 29, 2003
What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going with it?
Why?
There are so many things in life that I love to do. So many, many different professions that I could see myself going into. God has blessed me with so many talents and abilities. I don’t know why. I don’t know which ones He wants me to pursue. Which ones to I leave alone to lie fallow? Any? I can’t imagine that He would have me ignore these things. That doesn’t seem right. But, from where I am, I can’t see what He would have me to do with them either.
Growing up, I never wanted to do anything but teach. (Okay, almost never.. When I was three, I wanted to be a mail carrier, a secretary, and a bubble gum chewer, all at once :) ) I loved writing on chalk boards. I loved messing with papers day in and day out. Now, I know that there is far more to teaching, but that was always my dream… When I think about it though, I don’t know if I was meant to follow childhood fancy…
I really wish I knew how much other people influence me. I know it’s not that hard to unintentionally do that to me. The only time it isn’t, is when it’s someone intentionally trying, mainly through debate and arguments. (I’m too stubborn for that :) ) I remember at one point, I was talking to my Mom, and she made the statement that when she was little it was her dream to be a teacher. But she didn’t follow it and she regrets it now. She loves what she does completely, but she’ll always regret that decision. I don’t want to live a life of regret. But from my vantage point, no matter which way I go I can see regrets. Part of me wonders if I’m just being a teacher to fulfill her dream. She’s never once pushed me toward this or anything, and any pressure I feel is entirely in my head, but still…. I wonder….
I take statements, sometimes random statements, that people make and I apply them to my life… not in a normal way either… They can say something randomly about how I think you would make a great this, or I could always see you as that, and it impacts me, more so than what they meant. I tend to let other people’s opinions influence me far too much. I’m not actively/consciously seeking their approval or anything…. But for some reason, I let their opinions sway me… Something inside me thinks that they must have this vast wisdom and insight… when, in reality, they generally don’t.. They’re just plain ol’ people….
In high school, maybe middle school but I can’t remember a time for sure back then, I started thinking about being a lawyer. Actually, the first time I remember seriously thinking about it, was after my Mom looked at me one day and told me that I would make a great lawyer. There again. Why?!? arg…
I would love to be a lawyer. I love the whole concept. I like arguing, too much for my own good. I like the paperwork. I like defending the truth and winning, I really like winning, sometimes with a not so Christian perspective…. What’s bad is, I’ve had practice at it. Good practice at it for the last seven years of my life. I can play politics. I can be diplomatic (and/or backstabbing with an innocent smile). I’m ashamed to say that I can do all of that, and do it well. And even more sad to say that I actually enjoy it.
I thought about this a lot when I was writing my last paper for worldview. In it, I talked about my experiences with Model United Nations. How, although I never lied, I became very proficient in the “art� of half truths. I was good at misleading people with my technical truth. I knew how they would take certain things and deliberately played off of that. A large part of me is ashamed at that, but I still enjoyed it. It’s not like it was all evil or anything. I fought against resolutions on abortion and euthanasia and other things detrimental to people everywhere. I came up with unique, ethical, practical, and feasible solutions to global problems. I wrote them well. I won awards. I made projects and learned about countries, which is the “ultimate goal of the program�. I learned very little though. Technically everyone was supposed to learn all about their countries and act as delegates from that country. I didn’t. I learned what I needed to combat con speeches against my resolution. Otherwise, I along with most, acted like an American. If my countries values conflicted with mine, I ignored it or changed countries or rationalized my way out of it.
Anyway, the whole point of all that long rabbit trail is that, no matter how much I would enjoy being a lawyer, I don’t know if I could truly live my life as a godly lawyer. I don’t know if I could truly do that.
I also know that there are other things to being a lawyer. I couldn’t do what criminal lawyers on tv do (and yes I know that real life is nothing like tv, but there had to be some truth in it somewhere for them to originally get an idea from). As much as I love mysteries, both books and movies, I don’t think I could do that, especially if someone’s life were at stake. And, yes, I know that there are other types of law. I wouldn’t have to do that. But if I became a lawyer, I would want to eventually be on the Supreme Court, which does mean, some kind of politics, which I can’t play. I mean, I can, in that I already am capable and I have the potential to do that, but at the same time, it’s not something I’m really comfortable with. I think if I were to do that, I might lose myself.
It’s not that I don’t think there can be Christian lawyers in politics. I know that there can. I think some people are capable of that. Like Erin. She’s grown up in that environment. I haven’t. If I were to just jump in and try it, I’d be worse than a fish out of water. It wouldn’t kill me. I’d adapt. I always do. And I’d be good at it eventually. That’s just what I do, but…. Is that really where God wants me?
On the other side from law, I have education. I love little kids so much. Part of it I think is that as an only child, I get along better typically with people older and younger than I am. And when I teach little kids, they never see me as an adult, as someone with authority. They always see me as an oversized five year old. And that too, is ultimately my fault I guess. All I really want is to be their friend. I want respect, but I’m not willing to fight them for it to the point of losing their friendship. There’s just something too special when kids run up to you after church calling for lizzie and stand there while you take your instruments apart and wait somewhat imapiently for you to finish so you can walk/play/whatever it is as long as you’re with them…. That’s just… precious…
So maybe, I shouldn’t teach elementary kids. I love em too much, if that makes any sense. That leaves middle school and high school… Out of the two, I’d rather teach high school. I don’t have a phobia against middle school like some people. If anything I’d enjoy it more for the challenge. I just think I’d like high school, because of the challenging curriculum. Though, if I wanted a constant challenge, I probably shouldn’t teach math, I should follow Sarah Ruth’s advice and teach English Lit. I would love to spend years analyzing books and poetry and other random things. I would love the excuse to read forever. Then again, I’m really good at math, and grammer’s not my favorite subject. Then again, I really like science. History’s great too.
Then, there’s music.
They always tell me I could teach music and have the best of both worlds. But that’s not what I think I was meant to do. I can’t teach music. It’s just something that I’m good at it. Sure I would love every second of it, but I’m gonna love no matter what I end up doing. That’s just the way I am.
I would love to play professionally.
I could pull it off. I love the challenge of new music. I love playing old music. I love being in the middle of a stage with sound flowing around me. Being part of a band or orchestra is wonderful. Being in the middle of real, tangible music…. Although I would love it, it wouldn’t last. Doing what I love would destroy me. My fingers are too long to be playing the flute. If I even played in band constantly for several more years, it would ruin my hands. It’s unnatural. Last year though, I did discover that an alto flute fits my hands perfectly. That was a beautiful instrument with a lovely tone to it, but that’s another story…
I would love to sing professionally.
Sometimes I think I could pull that off. Sometimes I don’t think there’s any way that I could. And even if I could, would I really want that life? I haven’t had “voice training� since 4th and 5th grade choir. I’m losing some of my range everyday. Sometimes I think if I could only work on it a lot and stretch my voice back out and.. and.. I don’t know.. Sometimes I just wish I could sing forever….
But is that what I was meant to do?
When I was younger I also wanted to be a “rocket scientist�. There was nothing I would’ve loved more than to work at NASA and be paid to stare at the stars. I’m not gonna write out the whole long story behind it, but I would also like one of the “as a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist� shirts. :)
All in all, I don’t think there’s a subject I don’t like and/or can’t do and do well…
Then there’s architecture. I love to design houses. And there’s interior decorating. That’s a lot of fun too, though I usually like the more unorthodox stuff like we do in the dorms- nailing fabric to the wall instead of wall paper. I like the creative challenge that creates. How do you find something to work and make it still have the effect and appearance of being “real�? I’d love to write. I’d love to go back into drafting and maybe do that professionally. I’ve only had one class in it, but I loved it (though I don’t know how much of that was the people and the atmosphere of the class instead of the actual work). It was knit-picky and detailed and as a perfectionist, I liked that.
I know if I wanted to do most any of this other stuff other than law and education, I’d have to go somewhere else. I also know though, that this is where I’m supposed to be. If I was at a state school or some other school, more than likely I would be majoring in music or at least more strongly considering it.
I don’t want to have regrets. I know that’s an inevitable part of life. Small regrets, like I wish I washed the car yesterday, I don’t mind so much. But major things…
Sometimes I talk to people about what I want to do and tell them I’m going to be a teacher. And they take this tone that oh, yeah, you’ll be good at that, but I can see you doing so much more…. And it gets to me… Am I selling myself short? Could I do “more�? Should I? Is that what God wants? I’m constantly looking, but… I can’t see…. But I guess… for now… the looking is all that matters….. i guess.... is it?
Where am I going with it?
Why?
There are so many things in life that I love to do. So many, many different professions that I could see myself going into. God has blessed me with so many talents and abilities. I don’t know why. I don’t know which ones He wants me to pursue. Which ones to I leave alone to lie fallow? Any? I can’t imagine that He would have me ignore these things. That doesn’t seem right. But, from where I am, I can’t see what He would have me to do with them either.
Growing up, I never wanted to do anything but teach. (Okay, almost never.. When I was three, I wanted to be a mail carrier, a secretary, and a bubble gum chewer, all at once :) ) I loved writing on chalk boards. I loved messing with papers day in and day out. Now, I know that there is far more to teaching, but that was always my dream… When I think about it though, I don’t know if I was meant to follow childhood fancy…
I really wish I knew how much other people influence me. I know it’s not that hard to unintentionally do that to me. The only time it isn’t, is when it’s someone intentionally trying, mainly through debate and arguments. (I’m too stubborn for that :) ) I remember at one point, I was talking to my Mom, and she made the statement that when she was little it was her dream to be a teacher. But she didn’t follow it and she regrets it now. She loves what she does completely, but she’ll always regret that decision. I don’t want to live a life of regret. But from my vantage point, no matter which way I go I can see regrets. Part of me wonders if I’m just being a teacher to fulfill her dream. She’s never once pushed me toward this or anything, and any pressure I feel is entirely in my head, but still…. I wonder….
I take statements, sometimes random statements, that people make and I apply them to my life… not in a normal way either… They can say something randomly about how I think you would make a great this, or I could always see you as that, and it impacts me, more so than what they meant. I tend to let other people’s opinions influence me far too much. I’m not actively/consciously seeking their approval or anything…. But for some reason, I let their opinions sway me… Something inside me thinks that they must have this vast wisdom and insight… when, in reality, they generally don’t.. They’re just plain ol’ people….
In high school, maybe middle school but I can’t remember a time for sure back then, I started thinking about being a lawyer. Actually, the first time I remember seriously thinking about it, was after my Mom looked at me one day and told me that I would make a great lawyer. There again. Why?!? arg…
I would love to be a lawyer. I love the whole concept. I like arguing, too much for my own good. I like the paperwork. I like defending the truth and winning, I really like winning, sometimes with a not so Christian perspective…. What’s bad is, I’ve had practice at it. Good practice at it for the last seven years of my life. I can play politics. I can be diplomatic (and/or backstabbing with an innocent smile). I’m ashamed to say that I can do all of that, and do it well. And even more sad to say that I actually enjoy it.
I thought about this a lot when I was writing my last paper for worldview. In it, I talked about my experiences with Model United Nations. How, although I never lied, I became very proficient in the “art� of half truths. I was good at misleading people with my technical truth. I knew how they would take certain things and deliberately played off of that. A large part of me is ashamed at that, but I still enjoyed it. It’s not like it was all evil or anything. I fought against resolutions on abortion and euthanasia and other things detrimental to people everywhere. I came up with unique, ethical, practical, and feasible solutions to global problems. I wrote them well. I won awards. I made projects and learned about countries, which is the “ultimate goal of the program�. I learned very little though. Technically everyone was supposed to learn all about their countries and act as delegates from that country. I didn’t. I learned what I needed to combat con speeches against my resolution. Otherwise, I along with most, acted like an American. If my countries values conflicted with mine, I ignored it or changed countries or rationalized my way out of it.
Anyway, the whole point of all that long rabbit trail is that, no matter how much I would enjoy being a lawyer, I don’t know if I could truly live my life as a godly lawyer. I don’t know if I could truly do that.
I also know that there are other things to being a lawyer. I couldn’t do what criminal lawyers on tv do (and yes I know that real life is nothing like tv, but there had to be some truth in it somewhere for them to originally get an idea from). As much as I love mysteries, both books and movies, I don’t think I could do that, especially if someone’s life were at stake. And, yes, I know that there are other types of law. I wouldn’t have to do that. But if I became a lawyer, I would want to eventually be on the Supreme Court, which does mean, some kind of politics, which I can’t play. I mean, I can, in that I already am capable and I have the potential to do that, but at the same time, it’s not something I’m really comfortable with. I think if I were to do that, I might lose myself.
It’s not that I don’t think there can be Christian lawyers in politics. I know that there can. I think some people are capable of that. Like Erin. She’s grown up in that environment. I haven’t. If I were to just jump in and try it, I’d be worse than a fish out of water. It wouldn’t kill me. I’d adapt. I always do. And I’d be good at it eventually. That’s just what I do, but…. Is that really where God wants me?
On the other side from law, I have education. I love little kids so much. Part of it I think is that as an only child, I get along better typically with people older and younger than I am. And when I teach little kids, they never see me as an adult, as someone with authority. They always see me as an oversized five year old. And that too, is ultimately my fault I guess. All I really want is to be their friend. I want respect, but I’m not willing to fight them for it to the point of losing their friendship. There’s just something too special when kids run up to you after church calling for lizzie and stand there while you take your instruments apart and wait somewhat imapiently for you to finish so you can walk/play/whatever it is as long as you’re with them…. That’s just… precious…
So maybe, I shouldn’t teach elementary kids. I love em too much, if that makes any sense. That leaves middle school and high school… Out of the two, I’d rather teach high school. I don’t have a phobia against middle school like some people. If anything I’d enjoy it more for the challenge. I just think I’d like high school, because of the challenging curriculum. Though, if I wanted a constant challenge, I probably shouldn’t teach math, I should follow Sarah Ruth’s advice and teach English Lit. I would love to spend years analyzing books and poetry and other random things. I would love the excuse to read forever. Then again, I’m really good at math, and grammer’s not my favorite subject. Then again, I really like science. History’s great too.
Then, there’s music.
They always tell me I could teach music and have the best of both worlds. But that’s not what I think I was meant to do. I can’t teach music. It’s just something that I’m good at it. Sure I would love every second of it, but I’m gonna love no matter what I end up doing. That’s just the way I am.
I would love to play professionally.
I could pull it off. I love the challenge of new music. I love playing old music. I love being in the middle of a stage with sound flowing around me. Being part of a band or orchestra is wonderful. Being in the middle of real, tangible music…. Although I would love it, it wouldn’t last. Doing what I love would destroy me. My fingers are too long to be playing the flute. If I even played in band constantly for several more years, it would ruin my hands. It’s unnatural. Last year though, I did discover that an alto flute fits my hands perfectly. That was a beautiful instrument with a lovely tone to it, but that’s another story…
I would love to sing professionally.
Sometimes I think I could pull that off. Sometimes I don’t think there’s any way that I could. And even if I could, would I really want that life? I haven’t had “voice training� since 4th and 5th grade choir. I’m losing some of my range everyday. Sometimes I think if I could only work on it a lot and stretch my voice back out and.. and.. I don’t know.. Sometimes I just wish I could sing forever….
But is that what I was meant to do?
When I was younger I also wanted to be a “rocket scientist�. There was nothing I would’ve loved more than to work at NASA and be paid to stare at the stars. I’m not gonna write out the whole long story behind it, but I would also like one of the “as a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist� shirts. :)
All in all, I don’t think there’s a subject I don’t like and/or can’t do and do well…
Then there’s architecture. I love to design houses. And there’s interior decorating. That’s a lot of fun too, though I usually like the more unorthodox stuff like we do in the dorms- nailing fabric to the wall instead of wall paper. I like the creative challenge that creates. How do you find something to work and make it still have the effect and appearance of being “real�? I’d love to write. I’d love to go back into drafting and maybe do that professionally. I’ve only had one class in it, but I loved it (though I don’t know how much of that was the people and the atmosphere of the class instead of the actual work). It was knit-picky and detailed and as a perfectionist, I liked that.
I know if I wanted to do most any of this other stuff other than law and education, I’d have to go somewhere else. I also know though, that this is where I’m supposed to be. If I was at a state school or some other school, more than likely I would be majoring in music or at least more strongly considering it.
I don’t want to have regrets. I know that’s an inevitable part of life. Small regrets, like I wish I washed the car yesterday, I don’t mind so much. But major things…
Sometimes I talk to people about what I want to do and tell them I’m going to be a teacher. And they take this tone that oh, yeah, you’ll be good at that, but I can see you doing so much more…. And it gets to me… Am I selling myself short? Could I do “more�? Should I? Is that what God wants? I’m constantly looking, but… I can’t see…. But I guess… for now… the looking is all that matters….. i guess.... is it?
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