Friday, April 30, 2004
instead of typing it all again, let's copy and paste, shall we?
******************************************************
Friday, April 16, 2004
this day started out so nicely.... it really did... everything was going smoothly, i didn't have alot to do... until i get an email from my mom... i may have just broken the law... that's a very quick way to ruin one's day.....
*********************************************************
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
ok.. i guess i owe some explanations for the mess that has become my life.....
well.. it all started...
Friday: I finally got the information from Amy (my sister/boss) telling me how much, she thought, I made last year. We've been asking for this information for ages, and she finally tells us.. on friday.... It turns out that it's more than we thought, which means that I had to pay taxes on it. Tax day was Thursday. I'm allready breaking Federal law by not doing my taxes.
Saturday: I go home and spend a few hours doing my taxes. This takes longer than usual, b/c Amy also violated a few laws by not giving me a W-2 or a 1099. So, I had to fill it in as a self-employed person. At the end I owe a whole lot of money, which is bad b/c I don't have that much to begin with. I also don't know what they will do to me for being late like that. My mom also said that my tax stuff was just screaming for an audit... oh joy...
Sunday: I fill out my FAFSA using the information from my tax return. I have to have my FAFSA so I can register for classes on Mon/Tues. If I don't have my FAFSA, I can't get my free tuition, and as a result, can't go to LU.
Monday: My day starts out wonderfully. I have a great time at Pine Tree Intermediate where I'm observing. I come back, go to chapel. I found out that I had a job for the summer, on campus, working for the lady that works for my Mom. I also found out that my grandparents are paying my car insurance again, which was something I was majorly stressing over.. Have a wonderful afternoon... til 3:30 or so.. Then I get an email from my mom. Amy finally requested my pay information from SCI (the company that owns Lakeview). They fax her back my information, which incidentally, was a lot more that what she told us. So now, I have not violated federal law once, but 3 times. I've falsified both my tax documents, and my FAFSA (which had a nice little page at the end about how lying can give you a $20,000 fine and/or jail time). I have to refile both my taxes and my FAFSA... however you do that...
Tuesday: I finally get to do my presentation for Batts' class. This is a good thing. I'd been put off for a week. It went really well. My afternoon's pretty good, until I get an email from my mom offering "lizard bait" aka chocolate chip cookies. I go up there to retrieve said bait, also bringing my lizard... just b/c... Anyway, then she gives my the fax from Amy, and tells me that I have to fill out my FAFSA and be back up in Admissions in less than an hour to register. I get to my room and find out that I need more information than what's on there. But I can't get that unless I redo my taxes, which means tomorrow when I have time, which is never, I have to go home and do my taxes... And, some of the stuff that Amy gave me yesterday (all 18 boxes of it) is the wrong stuff, and I have to go back and trade stuff tomorrow. I also found out my deadline for stuffing all 4,000 bags has just been moved up.. There's also the matter of the major project due tomorrow that I haven't done yet.. .
Anyway, that's all I have time for right now. I have to go to Wesely-McCabe now. I'll finish this later.
*************************************************************************
So anyway...
Tuesday (cont): I also find out that I don't have a job anymore. They won't hire me, b/c they say I'd be working for my mother, when in fact I'd be working for someone else who works for my mother. But since working for family is against school policy, no matter how many times that's been violated outright for numerous people in the department, including Linda's daughter, I can't work there.. no matter how desperate they are for help.. So now, I have no money left, no prospects of making money, and even more fines being heaped on me from the IRS and other miscellaneous federal people...
Sometimes it seems.... Why is that everytime something good happens, something equally bad if not worse has to follow? It seems like that's my whole life sometimes.. Like, I get my observation hours set up and the teacher's nice, and then I find out I've violated federal law. I get a job and have a great time teaching and then find out I've violated federal law again. I get to actually present my report, and then find that they're not giving me the time they promissed to fix all the bags... all 4,000 of them... I now have a week... and no time... But anyway.... Sometimes it seems like happy stuff happens just to lull you into a false sense of security before the rug is pulled out from under you again. It's just designed to lift you up so you have farther to fall later..
I used to think that happy stuff appeared to happen after bad stuff to cheer you up and bring you out of the slump... but now, it seems to be just the opposite...
I keep thinking that my world is falling apart around me....
But.. somewhere inside, I know that I don't have a world.. I live in my Father's world. And my Father's world will never fall apart. I am safe and cared for, but... sometimes.... I just can't see that... and.. it's hard.
*************************************************************
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
even more bad stuff today.... i'm not gonna write all of that yet, b/c i don't want to start crying again... but, i will say that i'm utterly sick of people telling me to cheer up and to smile... i can't smile.. i can't be happy all the time.. it just doesn't work that way and i don't know why they can't understand that... sure, i could smile, and just fake it... i've done it often enough, but i'd feel like i was lying to everybody... and i'm not gonna do that... so for the moment, i'll just stay in the cynical mood that i'm in...until... until.. i don't know when... there doesn't seem to be an end in sight....
******************************************************************
Friday, April 30, 2004
ok, so i said i'd post again... several days ago i said that... anyway, i'm not going to go back into all that mess... all i'm going to say is that life continued to go down hill... i was bordering on depression if not actually in it... and if i rehash all that, i might fall back in... so.. .
on to happier things...
friends are wonderful... they encourage, they understand, they listen, the cheer up (even when it's unwanted), they care... needless to say, i have a lot of friends, each of which i am extrememly greatful for...
thank y'all for everything that you did.
so now, life's better... still stressful, but good.
no more classes as of 4:40 this afternoon!!!! i was walking back to my room like i usually do, in somewhat of a hurry... until i looked up... the sky was a breathtaking deep blue, with fluffy clouds gracing the horizon.... the trees were vivdly green... there were little purple flowers all over the ground (and yes mom, i know they were weeds but they're still cute)... there were birds darting about between the trees.... and i just had to slow down... i had just gotten out of my last class of my first year at college.... it didn't seem like a year.. it flew by so fast, and there i was speeding along letting the world pass by so quickly... so i slowed down... i'd forgotten how cool dirt is, and how spongy grass can be on bare feet... and no i didn't take my flipflops off... my roomie would've killed me.. but, you can just feel the coolness of the ground over the edge of the shoe.... i am so ready for summer... i love summer... i'll hate it b/c it takes me away from people, but at the same time, it returns some other people... but friendships aside, summer itself is wonderful...
at some point this summer, i'm going to take my great grandmother's quilt and go out in my grandparents back yard under the huge sprawling oak tree (well, not so sprawling since they butchered the branches in the fall... but i can pretend) and lay the quilt on the grass in the shade, which never stays in one place for long.. and read .. and watch the clouds, and stare at the never ending depths of the sky, and watch the birds, and be so still that squirrels come right up to the quilt so i can take their picture... and have to shake the ants off the quilt every other page... and get mosquito bites and have chigger bites all over my ankles that will itch to the point that i won't have skin left... and i'm going to love every minute of it
i'm also looking forward to snow-cones... homemade sno-cones... (there, i've spelled it two ways, cause i have no clue what the "correct" spelling is...) homemade snowcones are so fun. they remind me of white christmas! snowcones are great. they remind me of the countless summers that i would spend at nina's house, and go to the city pool with jim and amber, and then we'd go by the snowcone stand on old 80... i miss bubblegum snowcones... the real ones... they used to put a gumball on the top of them... they don't anymore.. they're not real bubblegum snowcones w/o the gumball...
and i want to fix the swing on the tree in my yard, the swing that used to be in my grandparent's yard on the oak tree where i'd sing for hours and hours and play with the dogs and watch the birds and the squirrels try to sneak around me to eat at the feeders... but now the swing's at my house.. on another oak.. but this is a little scrawny oak.. and the swing is broken... it's been dead for over a year now... it's gotten all overgrown over there now.. but i'm going to fix it.. i miss going outside with a book and swinging pointlessly or singing out there until the sun had long gone down and the mosquitoes drove me in....
i also need to clean out the hammock and a path through the woods to get back to it... there's a huge pile of branches and dead vines that i dragged over there in august.. i put them there b/c it was easier than dragging them all the way in... how smart was that.. .now i can't get to my hammock... arg..
but life as we know it is happy.
i'm done with my observation hours. of the 20 required, i did 24. all my work is turned in except for a last min batts assignment that's due during the exam and my math concepts journals which are going to take me forever and a day... had an exam yesterday, and i'll have two on monday (math concepts, for which we can use notecards with all the tests on them, ie the exact exam; and the devil class ala batts... this will be murder... ) and one on tuesday (fine arts... last time was somewhat easier since many had no artisits, and looked like something.. this time we're on moddern art... how am i supposed to link splatter paint to some grandiose title??)
oh well.. there are stars out... it's hot and humid.. typical spring/summerish east Texas weather... so wonderful.. i am home.. i like being home.. i never left, but sometimes i forgot. it's lovely to remember.
i am content
******************************************************
Friday, April 16, 2004
this day started out so nicely.... it really did... everything was going smoothly, i didn't have alot to do... until i get an email from my mom... i may have just broken the law... that's a very quick way to ruin one's day.....
*********************************************************
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
ok.. i guess i owe some explanations for the mess that has become my life.....
well.. it all started...
Friday: I finally got the information from Amy (my sister/boss) telling me how much, she thought, I made last year. We've been asking for this information for ages, and she finally tells us.. on friday.... It turns out that it's more than we thought, which means that I had to pay taxes on it. Tax day was Thursday. I'm allready breaking Federal law by not doing my taxes.
Saturday: I go home and spend a few hours doing my taxes. This takes longer than usual, b/c Amy also violated a few laws by not giving me a W-2 or a 1099. So, I had to fill it in as a self-employed person. At the end I owe a whole lot of money, which is bad b/c I don't have that much to begin with. I also don't know what they will do to me for being late like that. My mom also said that my tax stuff was just screaming for an audit... oh joy...
Sunday: I fill out my FAFSA using the information from my tax return. I have to have my FAFSA so I can register for classes on Mon/Tues. If I don't have my FAFSA, I can't get my free tuition, and as a result, can't go to LU.
Monday: My day starts out wonderfully. I have a great time at Pine Tree Intermediate where I'm observing. I come back, go to chapel. I found out that I had a job for the summer, on campus, working for the lady that works for my Mom. I also found out that my grandparents are paying my car insurance again, which was something I was majorly stressing over.. Have a wonderful afternoon... til 3:30 or so.. Then I get an email from my mom. Amy finally requested my pay information from SCI (the company that owns Lakeview). They fax her back my information, which incidentally, was a lot more that what she told us. So now, I have not violated federal law once, but 3 times. I've falsified both my tax documents, and my FAFSA (which had a nice little page at the end about how lying can give you a $20,000 fine and/or jail time). I have to refile both my taxes and my FAFSA... however you do that...
Tuesday: I finally get to do my presentation for Batts' class. This is a good thing. I'd been put off for a week. It went really well. My afternoon's pretty good, until I get an email from my mom offering "lizard bait" aka chocolate chip cookies. I go up there to retrieve said bait, also bringing my lizard... just b/c... Anyway, then she gives my the fax from Amy, and tells me that I have to fill out my FAFSA and be back up in Admissions in less than an hour to register. I get to my room and find out that I need more information than what's on there. But I can't get that unless I redo my taxes, which means tomorrow when I have time, which is never, I have to go home and do my taxes... And, some of the stuff that Amy gave me yesterday (all 18 boxes of it) is the wrong stuff, and I have to go back and trade stuff tomorrow. I also found out my deadline for stuffing all 4,000 bags has just been moved up.. There's also the matter of the major project due tomorrow that I haven't done yet.. .
Anyway, that's all I have time for right now. I have to go to Wesely-McCabe now. I'll finish this later.
*************************************************************************
So anyway...
Tuesday (cont): I also find out that I don't have a job anymore. They won't hire me, b/c they say I'd be working for my mother, when in fact I'd be working for someone else who works for my mother. But since working for family is against school policy, no matter how many times that's been violated outright for numerous people in the department, including Linda's daughter, I can't work there.. no matter how desperate they are for help.. So now, I have no money left, no prospects of making money, and even more fines being heaped on me from the IRS and other miscellaneous federal people...
Sometimes it seems.... Why is that everytime something good happens, something equally bad if not worse has to follow? It seems like that's my whole life sometimes.. Like, I get my observation hours set up and the teacher's nice, and then I find out I've violated federal law. I get a job and have a great time teaching and then find out I've violated federal law again. I get to actually present my report, and then find that they're not giving me the time they promissed to fix all the bags... all 4,000 of them... I now have a week... and no time... But anyway.... Sometimes it seems like happy stuff happens just to lull you into a false sense of security before the rug is pulled out from under you again. It's just designed to lift you up so you have farther to fall later..
I used to think that happy stuff appeared to happen after bad stuff to cheer you up and bring you out of the slump... but now, it seems to be just the opposite...
I keep thinking that my world is falling apart around me....
But.. somewhere inside, I know that I don't have a world.. I live in my Father's world. And my Father's world will never fall apart. I am safe and cared for, but... sometimes.... I just can't see that... and.. it's hard.
*************************************************************
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
even more bad stuff today.... i'm not gonna write all of that yet, b/c i don't want to start crying again... but, i will say that i'm utterly sick of people telling me to cheer up and to smile... i can't smile.. i can't be happy all the time.. it just doesn't work that way and i don't know why they can't understand that... sure, i could smile, and just fake it... i've done it often enough, but i'd feel like i was lying to everybody... and i'm not gonna do that... so for the moment, i'll just stay in the cynical mood that i'm in...until... until.. i don't know when... there doesn't seem to be an end in sight....
******************************************************************
Friday, April 30, 2004
ok, so i said i'd post again... several days ago i said that... anyway, i'm not going to go back into all that mess... all i'm going to say is that life continued to go down hill... i was bordering on depression if not actually in it... and if i rehash all that, i might fall back in... so.. .
on to happier things...
friends are wonderful... they encourage, they understand, they listen, the cheer up (even when it's unwanted), they care... needless to say, i have a lot of friends, each of which i am extrememly greatful for...
thank y'all for everything that you did.
so now, life's better... still stressful, but good.
no more classes as of 4:40 this afternoon!!!! i was walking back to my room like i usually do, in somewhat of a hurry... until i looked up... the sky was a breathtaking deep blue, with fluffy clouds gracing the horizon.... the trees were vivdly green... there were little purple flowers all over the ground (and yes mom, i know they were weeds but they're still cute)... there were birds darting about between the trees.... and i just had to slow down... i had just gotten out of my last class of my first year at college.... it didn't seem like a year.. it flew by so fast, and there i was speeding along letting the world pass by so quickly... so i slowed down... i'd forgotten how cool dirt is, and how spongy grass can be on bare feet... and no i didn't take my flipflops off... my roomie would've killed me.. but, you can just feel the coolness of the ground over the edge of the shoe.... i am so ready for summer... i love summer... i'll hate it b/c it takes me away from people, but at the same time, it returns some other people... but friendships aside, summer itself is wonderful...
at some point this summer, i'm going to take my great grandmother's quilt and go out in my grandparents back yard under the huge sprawling oak tree (well, not so sprawling since they butchered the branches in the fall... but i can pretend) and lay the quilt on the grass in the shade, which never stays in one place for long.. and read .. and watch the clouds, and stare at the never ending depths of the sky, and watch the birds, and be so still that squirrels come right up to the quilt so i can take their picture... and have to shake the ants off the quilt every other page... and get mosquito bites and have chigger bites all over my ankles that will itch to the point that i won't have skin left... and i'm going to love every minute of it
i'm also looking forward to snow-cones... homemade sno-cones... (there, i've spelled it two ways, cause i have no clue what the "correct" spelling is...) homemade snowcones are so fun. they remind me of white christmas! snowcones are great. they remind me of the countless summers that i would spend at nina's house, and go to the city pool with jim and amber, and then we'd go by the snowcone stand on old 80... i miss bubblegum snowcones... the real ones... they used to put a gumball on the top of them... they don't anymore.. they're not real bubblegum snowcones w/o the gumball...
and i want to fix the swing on the tree in my yard, the swing that used to be in my grandparent's yard on the oak tree where i'd sing for hours and hours and play with the dogs and watch the birds and the squirrels try to sneak around me to eat at the feeders... but now the swing's at my house.. on another oak.. but this is a little scrawny oak.. and the swing is broken... it's been dead for over a year now... it's gotten all overgrown over there now.. but i'm going to fix it.. i miss going outside with a book and swinging pointlessly or singing out there until the sun had long gone down and the mosquitoes drove me in....
i also need to clean out the hammock and a path through the woods to get back to it... there's a huge pile of branches and dead vines that i dragged over there in august.. i put them there b/c it was easier than dragging them all the way in... how smart was that.. .now i can't get to my hammock... arg..
but life as we know it is happy.
i'm done with my observation hours. of the 20 required, i did 24. all my work is turned in except for a last min batts assignment that's due during the exam and my math concepts journals which are going to take me forever and a day... had an exam yesterday, and i'll have two on monday (math concepts, for which we can use notecards with all the tests on them, ie the exact exam; and the devil class ala batts... this will be murder... ) and one on tuesday (fine arts... last time was somewhat easier since many had no artisits, and looked like something.. this time we're on moddern art... how am i supposed to link splatter paint to some grandiose title??)
oh well.. there are stars out... it's hot and humid.. typical spring/summerish east Texas weather... so wonderful.. i am home.. i like being home.. i never left, but sometimes i forgot. it's lovely to remember.
i am content
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