Monday, July 26, 2004
so this is how it feels...
well... the sky's actually overcast today... that's good.. while it lasts... i was afraid it was going to be a stupidly bright day with sickeningly cute fluffy clouds and far too much sunshine for me.... i don't think i could've taken that...
no matter how much you want to sleep, so you can quit thinking, quit feeling, sleep doesn't come... it stays away... and leaves you nothing to do, but stare at the shadows playing on the blinds and listen to the night continue to move on... you want time to just stop for a second. you need time to think, to wrap your mind around a concept which you can't seem to grasp yet. but it doesn't. the numbers on the clock keep changing. taunting you. it'll be morning eventually and then you'll have to go to work on the one day when you'd rather not deal with people... you wish you could call in sick, but you can't. they need you to fix all the problems and make things run smoothly.... too bad everything doesn't work that way... and then after work, you'll have to go to the bank and the postoffice for more work related stuff... and there you'll get to continue acting "professionally".. it goes in quotes b/c it's currently the same thing as being "diplomatic".. b/c at the moment, it's lying through your teeth, telling the world you're fine and you hope they're fine and we just all love to be out and about don't we.... ha... you actually want to be anywhere but in their stupid bank... you'd rather be curled up under some rock somewhere ignoring the day, the weather, and every other living creature... except.. maybe a cat... cat's are nice... they'll sit on your lap and purr and somehow that's a comforting thing... too bad i don't have a cat any more... that would've been nice...
time's a dangerous thing.. it allows you to think... and at the moment i hate thinking... i'd rather do anything else... b/c then you remember things.. little things... seemingly insignificant things... and every single one of those insignificant little things suddenly somehow becomes some huge earth shattering concept that threatens to destroy everything... and then that makes you think of another, and another, and another... into an endless procession of sadly very significant things, the result of which make you ask strange questions, like, if you sleep w/ your chin on a wet pillow, does it get wrinkles like your hands do when they've been underwater too long?
as far as i can tell that doesn't happen... although the whole concept of eyelids becoming puffy, i never understood... i just thought it was some weird way of describing something that never actually occured... it does.. it's a strange thing to look in the mirror and not recognize your own eyes because the shape's been changed....
sometimes... sometimes you wish you could change time.... maybe make it go backwards... possibly to a point where everything wasn't necessarily okay, but at least you were obliviious.... or maybe make it go forwards to some distant point in the future when you'll remember how to smile and remember why you thought certain things were funny.... just.. anytime but today... or yesterday.... i know i laughed at several points yesterday.... well, at least i think i did... i don't really remember... but i always laugh several times a day... so i had too... right? i just.. can't remember now... and i can't see that happening again anytime in the near future... maybe time should skip ahead to next summer.... i was looking forward to august and to school... but now... i don't want to be around people... i don't want to share my room... i don't want to have to deal with the whole open dorms mess and all the stalkers my suite mates seem to get.... i'm not in the mood to decorate the lounge, all though i had the plans for that all drawn up over a month ago... you know.. i'm not even in the mood to eat chocolate really.... mom tried to get me to eat some last night... but i'd already had a brownie at lunch, and i'd had a lot of sweet fruit, and i really shouldn't eat more than that in a day... stupid hypoglycemia.....
i applied for a job on campus last week.... and now i'm not so sure i want it... i know it'll be a great job.... should be fairly easy for me too.... but, it's near dr. coppinger, and i really don't want him to ask me how i'm doing every day and if i'm "emotionally okay" with life. at the moment i don't see how i could take that... but i will... i know that eventually everything will return to some semblence of being fine... can't see that right now... but it will... and i know i'll take the job, if it's offered.... b/c elizabeth is a "responsible" girl... she goes to work, whether she wants to or not.. she takes tapes back to blockbuster... she cleans her room and spends four some odd hours ironing all the curtains she took down.... she always wants what's best for people and she always always understands... even when she doesn't want to, even when she wants to do anything but understand, when she wants nothing more than to be able to be mad, infuratingly mad at something.. at someone... but.. she .. can't... she's not like that... no matter how much she tries not to, she always understands.... how sad is that...
ok, so i'll quit falling apart on here now... which means i'm pretty much done for the morning, at least... b/c i'm "responsible" and i don't ever fall apart... at least not around people... sure, it happens at night, when the world's asleep and the shadows are playing on the blinds and the streetlight behind the neighbour's house is flickering.... but it never happens during the day... well, almost never... it did once.. in high school... i actually cried on the band hall couch, and miss legandre sent me to the coucelor's office, where i then convinced him not to call my mom, b/c she had enough stuff to deal with and that i'd tell her when i got home... i never did.. she had enough of her own pain.. why should i make her deal with mine too... b/c.. i'm "responsible" and i do stupid things like that... i try and protect people and all i ever end up doing is destroying myself in the process... i can tell you though, if you want to get strange looks, to curl up in a ball under your desk in ap us history.... works every time....
this doesn't technically count as falling apart in the day time though.. b/c i thought all of this out last night... why not.... i had the time.... there wasn't any blissful unconscious state to keep me from doing so.... the mirage still stands... i'm "responsible" and i never fall apart... ever... and how sad is that...
well... the sky's actually overcast today... that's good.. while it lasts... i was afraid it was going to be a stupidly bright day with sickeningly cute fluffy clouds and far too much sunshine for me.... i don't think i could've taken that...
no matter how much you want to sleep, so you can quit thinking, quit feeling, sleep doesn't come... it stays away... and leaves you nothing to do, but stare at the shadows playing on the blinds and listen to the night continue to move on... you want time to just stop for a second. you need time to think, to wrap your mind around a concept which you can't seem to grasp yet. but it doesn't. the numbers on the clock keep changing. taunting you. it'll be morning eventually and then you'll have to go to work on the one day when you'd rather not deal with people... you wish you could call in sick, but you can't. they need you to fix all the problems and make things run smoothly.... too bad everything doesn't work that way... and then after work, you'll have to go to the bank and the postoffice for more work related stuff... and there you'll get to continue acting "professionally".. it goes in quotes b/c it's currently the same thing as being "diplomatic".. b/c at the moment, it's lying through your teeth, telling the world you're fine and you hope they're fine and we just all love to be out and about don't we.... ha... you actually want to be anywhere but in their stupid bank... you'd rather be curled up under some rock somewhere ignoring the day, the weather, and every other living creature... except.. maybe a cat... cat's are nice... they'll sit on your lap and purr and somehow that's a comforting thing... too bad i don't have a cat any more... that would've been nice...
time's a dangerous thing.. it allows you to think... and at the moment i hate thinking... i'd rather do anything else... b/c then you remember things.. little things... seemingly insignificant things... and every single one of those insignificant little things suddenly somehow becomes some huge earth shattering concept that threatens to destroy everything... and then that makes you think of another, and another, and another... into an endless procession of sadly very significant things, the result of which make you ask strange questions, like, if you sleep w/ your chin on a wet pillow, does it get wrinkles like your hands do when they've been underwater too long?
as far as i can tell that doesn't happen... although the whole concept of eyelids becoming puffy, i never understood... i just thought it was some weird way of describing something that never actually occured... it does.. it's a strange thing to look in the mirror and not recognize your own eyes because the shape's been changed....
sometimes... sometimes you wish you could change time.... maybe make it go backwards... possibly to a point where everything wasn't necessarily okay, but at least you were obliviious.... or maybe make it go forwards to some distant point in the future when you'll remember how to smile and remember why you thought certain things were funny.... just.. anytime but today... or yesterday.... i know i laughed at several points yesterday.... well, at least i think i did... i don't really remember... but i always laugh several times a day... so i had too... right? i just.. can't remember now... and i can't see that happening again anytime in the near future... maybe time should skip ahead to next summer.... i was looking forward to august and to school... but now... i don't want to be around people... i don't want to share my room... i don't want to have to deal with the whole open dorms mess and all the stalkers my suite mates seem to get.... i'm not in the mood to decorate the lounge, all though i had the plans for that all drawn up over a month ago... you know.. i'm not even in the mood to eat chocolate really.... mom tried to get me to eat some last night... but i'd already had a brownie at lunch, and i'd had a lot of sweet fruit, and i really shouldn't eat more than that in a day... stupid hypoglycemia.....
i applied for a job on campus last week.... and now i'm not so sure i want it... i know it'll be a great job.... should be fairly easy for me too.... but, it's near dr. coppinger, and i really don't want him to ask me how i'm doing every day and if i'm "emotionally okay" with life. at the moment i don't see how i could take that... but i will... i know that eventually everything will return to some semblence of being fine... can't see that right now... but it will... and i know i'll take the job, if it's offered.... b/c elizabeth is a "responsible" girl... she goes to work, whether she wants to or not.. she takes tapes back to blockbuster... she cleans her room and spends four some odd hours ironing all the curtains she took down.... she always wants what's best for people and she always always understands... even when she doesn't want to, even when she wants to do anything but understand, when she wants nothing more than to be able to be mad, infuratingly mad at something.. at someone... but.. she .. can't... she's not like that... no matter how much she tries not to, she always understands.... how sad is that...
ok, so i'll quit falling apart on here now... which means i'm pretty much done for the morning, at least... b/c i'm "responsible" and i don't ever fall apart... at least not around people... sure, it happens at night, when the world's asleep and the shadows are playing on the blinds and the streetlight behind the neighbour's house is flickering.... but it never happens during the day... well, almost never... it did once.. in high school... i actually cried on the band hall couch, and miss legandre sent me to the coucelor's office, where i then convinced him not to call my mom, b/c she had enough stuff to deal with and that i'd tell her when i got home... i never did.. she had enough of her own pain.. why should i make her deal with mine too... b/c.. i'm "responsible" and i do stupid things like that... i try and protect people and all i ever end up doing is destroying myself in the process... i can tell you though, if you want to get strange looks, to curl up in a ball under your desk in ap us history.... works every time....
this doesn't technically count as falling apart in the day time though.. b/c i thought all of this out last night... why not.... i had the time.... there wasn't any blissful unconscious state to keep me from doing so.... the mirage still stands... i'm "responsible" and i never fall apart... ever... and how sad is that...
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