Saturday, July 24, 2004
so.. time to play catch up again.... i can handle my own multiple personalities, but when my computer has them... it gets annoying :-P
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Friday, July 23, 2004
i'm just so tired.... tired of work... tired of sitting around w/ nothing to do.... tired of not having people around.... tired of waiting for the end of august... tired of the heat.... tired of trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do w/ my life.... tired of arguing, and of debating, and of constantly trying to make sure i don't leave loopholes and that everything i say is pretty sound.... something which i'm really out of practice at..... tired of second guessing everything i say.... and at the moment, tired of complaining...
arg, i'm also tired of having this song stuck in my head.... mom got a song off of the music man, "til there was you", stuck in my head... and it's refusing to go away..... but anyway....
i had stuff i wanted to say this morning, but i couldn't b/c mom was online all day, so now i don't remember much... and what i do remember is somewhat muddled... but i can try...
everybody has some area of their lives where they are more sensitive to some things b/c of past experiences. i happen to have several, one of which is lying, but i'll talk about that in a sec. first i'm going to talk about something which i've never even brought up before and am very likely to never do so again.
i can't stand alcohol... i can't stand what "it" does to people, although i believe very strongly that it's the people doing that to themselves, but anyway.... i have a VERY low tollerance for people that even joke about it. however, i've always known that i've always had a stronger reaction than many people ever would, so i've never been vocal about it. i still had the feelings, but i kept my mouth shut. i had/have friends that drink. they've always known what i felt about it, and so they've respected that and never asked me to join them. something for which i am very greatful. i've never griped at them for going out and getting drunk, even when they were underage. and that's not what i'm doing now. i just have four things i would like to say and then i'll quit.
first of all, don't be an idiot and drink and drive. that's self-explanatory.
secondly, whatever you do, don't be an abusive drunk. ESPECIALLY in an environment where there's a child. i know my words probably mean nothing to anybody who would actually do that, and that most of the people who actually read what i right wouldn't do that anyway. but i had to say it. it's just something i've hated ever since i was four.
next, if somebody tells you that you have a problem, and you say you'll go to councelling, then actually GO to councelling. don't just spend that time getting drunk somewhere else.
there was something else, but i can't remember it at the moment.... i'm not saying that i think alcohol is evil. i don't. i also don't think there's anything wrong with drinking (as long as you're not underage). and i don't agree with all the people that say drinking in and of itself is a sin. i do however think there's something wrong with getting drunk... but anyway... i'll quit now. i've said what i wanted to say. i'll probably never say it again.. don't hate me...
ok, and now after that completely, well almost, random outburst, i'll move on to another topic... so... life experience... whether it's decisions you've made, or decisions other people have made that in turn effected you.... all of it changes something about you... that's pretty obvious... from life experiences, you create your own "ladder of sin", if you'll pardon the phrase from one too many papers on the Scarlett Letter in Streck's class.... there are things that you know in your head. for example, you might believe very firmly in your head that all sin is equal in the eyes of God, that stealing candy from a baby and premeditated murder are the same thing... or you might think the seven deadly sins are worse... or the whole thing w/ two different kinds of sin, that my friend who was catholic at the time tried to explain to me and that i never really understood.... doesn't matter, well, at least not for what i'm talking about. you "know" this in your head. but there will always be that "ladder of sin" that you know in your heart ( or that you also know in your mind, or whatever, also not important) by which you relate to other people and their sins.... although you may conciously believe otherwise, your gut feeling might tell you that going ten miles over the speed limit isn't near as bad as kidnapping... or.. something like that... i should stop using extremes for examples.... although there's that whole concept of there actually being extremes..... but anyway.... many rabbit trails later.... your personal experience, events in your life, effect how you react to certain things.... again, something pretty obvious... anyway, that whole big mess that i just tryped was some attempt to get to the point that that's why i tend to react and look down on certain things and go after people for certain things, more than i probably should..... it could be seen as overreating or being melodramatic or whatnot..... when in reality, all it means is that i've seen what that can do, and it either scares me or i hate it or something along those lines.....
so.... that was alot of mess... all to get to where i can talk now about the past couple of days... i probably overreacted to a situation... took things personally... things that were more than likely meant as a joke.... that doesn't mean i'm going to backdown... i'm not.... i still believe i was right.... i just... normally.... don't gripe at people like that... i can't stand lying. or for that matter, broken promises, which tends to fall in the same category most of the time, for some of the same, and some different reasons..... i've accused a person of lying, which i still think they have, but they claim they've only been misleading. something which i view as the same thing.
model united nations.... interesting activity.... one in which "diplomacy" and the "art" of misleading people thrives.... i'm not gonna say i never intentionally "helped" someone to believe one thing was true when in fact the opposite was. i never technically lied. never. i very carefully avoided that. i knew lying was wrong. and the whole misleading thing became a game for me. i enjoyed it. it was a challenge, an exercise in creativity. and i became very good at it. something i'm not particularly proud of now... i'm not going to say that even now, there's no fun in it. because it really is alot of fun. at the time. and it doesn't matter that back then it was generally b/c someone else was trying to get away w/ something unethical, like blackmailing your country into voting for them... that was agaisnt the rules... so you had to have some system of dealing with it... mine involved deliberately misleading people... but that doesn't matter... the Bible talks about how perverting justice or deliberatley misleading people is wrong... and lying is wrong.... most people just don't keep them on the same rung of the ladder.... misleading is a minor thing... lying's worse, but not an awful horrible thing... til someone does that to you..... anyway, my point is that, i see them as equal. and i see them as one of the worst things you could do to a person. at least with physical harm there's some defense, but when you take someone's trust and completely destroy it, there's not much left. granted, my feelings about this are stronger than most, b/c it's something i struggle with... and there are other life experiences contributing to this dislike that i'm not going to go into... needless to say, i'm sorry if people think that i overreact and i should lighten up. i have a sense of humor. i have fun when i argue. i get almost as much energy from that as i do eating chocolate. it's not the arguing i react to. it's the deception i can't stand. so if you thought i was unreasonable, well, at least now you know why i treat those particular "character traits" like that... assuming you can actually make any sense of all the stuff i just wrote....
i know most people won't know what some parts relate to, but that's ok.... i like giving out random information it's good for you! promise. now... go laugh a little....
oh, wait.. i remembered the fourth comment.... whatever you do, do NOT drink if you're living in a house with a young child... whether you think you have a problem w/ it or not... just DONT.
end of random comments now
need a happy note to end on..... hmmm
"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness; Come before Him with joyful singing......... His loving kindness is everlasting and His faithfulness to all generations... "
10:42 PM
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
wow... that was fun... i just spent several hours slipping back into UN mode..... times like these make me wonder if i really want to be a teacher or if i really should consider law... i just ... have fun with nitpicky stuff.. and being "diplomatic" to a certain extent.....
http://lalaith.blogspot.com/2004/07/so-ive-already-told-my-funny-dream-to.html#comments
i don't know why i just left the link there.... maybe b/c it was fun to type... most of the people who read this won't even know what's going on, but hey, if you're bored and need random things to read....
12:34 AM
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
sigh... more IRS junk to fill out and turn in.... I was havin a pretty good day til then.... Lakeview claims I'm self employed... it gets them out of paying taxes on me... however, that makes me have to pay a lot more.... on the other hand, every thing I do for them, other than getting paid would make me an empolyee... but.. they don't want to claim me.... so i have to fill out even more junk b/c lakeview is irresponsible and wants a stupid tax break.... arg....
ok, i'll quit griping now... did enough of that earlier this spring anyway
mom and i watched the Pianist last night.... with that and Saving Private Ryan, which we watched Sunday, and some other stuff we've watched recently, I think i'm pretty tired of watching movies about the war and the holocaust for now....
every time we watch something about the holocaust, mom starts talkin about how at some point in my lifetime probably, they're gonna do the same thing to Christians in our country..... i can't ever figure out whether i believe that or not.... part of me wants to say that wouldn't ever happen, no way... but part of me knows that someday, it will.... and... part of me doesn't want to think about it at all.... i don't want to sit here and try and imagine what it would be like if that happened... i dont' want to wonder what i'd do, and if it would be worse... and how anything could possibly be worse than what went on then...
you know, i don't understand how some people can say that never happened... i don't know how, when you have survivors of it that you can talk to... how you can see the numbers tatooed on their arms and the scars that they carry.... i don't know how you can see the footage that was taken when the camps were liberated.... how you could look at lampshades made out of human skin and mass graves and all manner of attrocities and still say that it was a propoganda stunt.... i dont' understand that... but i guess there will always be things that i don't understand... and some things i'd rather not... which is pretty strange coming from me... the pack-rat obsessed w/ reading and collecting information...
okay.. that's depressing... happy thoughts.. .umm... i was thinking about the playground at the elementary the other day... that wooden playground was the best.... there were so many things that each piece of equipment could be... and the other playground... i remember that reallly realllly tall slide... i guess it's probably not that big now, but i remember how it would always shake when you got near the top... that thing scared me so much... and then there's always the "UN in Black" video that was made in part on the playground... when Mrs. J let the guys drive her car... and the fireworks they set off in the pan... that was fun... hey, does anybody remember the words to the song? all i remember are "here comes UN in black..." somethin somethin somethin "global problem fixers".... i've forgotten lyrics... i'm terribly and horribly ashamed help me please! somebody's gotta remember how it went... this is gonna bother me forever, until i can remember or make up new words.... or! even better- i don't suppose anybody actually has a copy of the video? i haven't seen that in forever... i know it's not quite "Kat Seeds" or "the Carrie Nation Project" or "Sumner v. Brooks", but still... what i remember was funny.. arg... now i have a mixture of "men in black" and "bohemian rhapsody" running through my head... sleep should be interesting...
10:37 PM
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
ok. so i'm officially bored. i have way too much time on my hands... i could've gone to sleep at 8 like my mom... but, i've discovered that i've finally adapted to 9-10+ hours of sleep a night, and i really really don't need more than that.... that's enough time wasted as it is, not that it's not nice or anything...
so i just wasted 3 some odd hours messing with my site design (xanga, not this one - although i did spend another 2 hours tryin to get this one to cooperate).... i went through about a million pictures on here, til i found one i liked, and then i spent a loooooooooooong time with goin back and forth between this and a paint program to match the hues to the picture... did i mention i had too much time on my hands yet?
bluebonnets are happy.... not only are they the state flower of Texas, but they are extremely special in other ways as well, even if only in my memories...
memories are strange things... they aren't always bright and clear (like the blue sky that i mentioned we had earlier!!!)... generally they're pale and dusky like an old faded photograph... flaws disappear with the dimming light and everything's somehow sweeter...
i haven't been back to west Texas in 5 some odd years... my Great Grandmother is over 98 now.... and the field accross the street from her house isn't overflowing with the bluebonnets anymore either.... last time it grew cotton.... before that it was rocky dry dirt... but for one glorious summer there were magnificent bluebonnets as far as the eye could see.... or at least as far as the camera lense.... because, i don't remember that much.. my memory is based on photographs now... isn't it amazing that you can "remember" something, just by seeing a picture of yourself in a picture of whatever it was? you may have been two at the time, and never have remembered that at all, but then as soon as you see a picture, you will forever remember that along with all your other "real" memories.... i mean, of course you remember that... or at least the one scene that was captured with the movement of the camera shutter... and you can "remember" even more if someone were to tell you a tale about part of that time.... pretty soon, you can see whatever happened in your head... but what if... what if somebody doctored the picture? what if, it wasn't real? then what are you left with?
11:03 PM
blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there are blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not a cloud in sight!!!! or well... at least not in sight half way down my driveway.... if you go farther, past the trees, there are some... but they don't count there are blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 probably the last time i'll ever see such a thing... in fact maybe they aren't really blue... maybe they're gray and i'm delusional..... maybe.... but... i like blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:39 PM
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004
rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain..........
rain..........rain................rain..........rain.....rainrainrain...rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain........... rain..........rain................rain..........rain.....rainrainrain...rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain........... rain..........rain................rain..........rain.....rainrainrain...rain.... rain....
rainrainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain... rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain... rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain... rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...
and such has my life been
it's rained too much
yes, zerg, there is such a thing as too much
it's too much when the ground can't take anymore, when every day more and more towns in east texas are flooded, and when even six flags is under water..
it's gotten to the point where the concept of blue skies has been replaced with pale gray clouds... to look, not happily.... umm... look less sadly at the sky b/c it's not quite so dark... you know i've almost forgotten what clear skies look like... pale gray is exciting, and if you stare at it long enough, it begins to look blue... what ever that was...
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Monday, June 28, 2004
i hate being hypoglycemic
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Friday, June 25, 2004
now i know where i get it all....
there's an edge this weekend, and my mom was working registration today... she just finished telling me how she's been torturing lil incoming freshman.... she's been takin away their paper work and demanding their id number all the while laughing at their wide frightened eyes.... oh my... i can truly say that (most) of my meaness is inherited
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Tuesday, June 22, 2004
air conditioner dead.... air conditioner in the house dead.... bad thing.
9:32-
lizard does not equal mosquito chow.
i'm sry
it just doesn't
i was not meant to be eaten
like that stopped them
i have never seen so many stupid mosquitos in my life
and all for what at the moment appears to be nothing
the air conditioner still isn't working
arg
not mosquito chow
8:12 AM
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Monday, June 21, 2004
i've discovered a new happy hobby..... calling random people who you haven't talked to in ages and ages is fun makes you laugh and smile for random reasons... much fun... friends are happy
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Monday, June 21, 2004
i just spent half an hour on the phone w/ my roomie!!! happy lizard... i miss my dorm room... i miss being able to randomly decorate everything... i miss driving sr crazy when ahdrhen and i would sing 3 diff songs at once... i miss the dust that's slowly killing my computer.... i miss not having to dress up everyday, and not having to carry my cell phone around all the time.... i wnat to go back... i want to meet new people.. and start rebuilding a suite... i want to get to hammer straight pins w/ my magnifying glass again, and to have to scramble around trying to get decorations and other projects done w/o the materials generally needed to do those things.... i want to be able to walk to chapel w/ sr and ahdrhen and start laughing b/c we all unintentionally dressed the same again... i want to be able to sit on the steps going down to msc at night and watch the stars and sing so that it echoes and scares people who can't see me.... i want to have suite devos again, so i can least keep up w/ everybody's life and know how to pray.... i want to have marshmellow fights in teh kitchen and not have to wait until people sign on aim at random times so i can talk to them.... oh well....
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Friday, June 18, 2004
happy international panic day!!!
http://www.angelfire.com/cantina/shamansanchez/holidays.htm
11:09 AM
Christmas in July
such a wonderful holiday
very fun for caroling
especially in shorts, santa hats, and gloves
people give you strange looks
but who can help but love such classics as
"Chestnuts roasting on an open sidewalk"
and
"Deck the Halls with skeeter netting" ?
Truly such wonderful songs should be sung all over the world in July...
(If my caroling buddy, Kristen, is reading this, we need to go caroling again this year!!! We need to finish up a couple of the songs we didn't quite finish last year......)
If you would like to join our caroling company, please leave a message.
And if we show up on your door, please be nice and invite us into the wonderful airconditioning!
After all, santa hats are very hot, and we don't wish to melt. And if you're really nice, we might even sing our Red, White, and Physics Blues song
happy days
and don't forget -
we all expect Christmas presents from you in July!
5:22 AM
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
when heavy clouds are only in the distance, and light clouds play accross the sky over head, when bright sunlight filters through the patches next to pale blue sky, and the rain that falls is icy cold, it's a good day... a day to laugh at the sky, and sing to the heavens, a day when the storm's aren't so menacing, and the weather is a silly friend.
this is my day, and i cherished every icily wet giggle and every ray of sun that lit up the drops like diamonds....
"Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; Sing praises to our God on the lyre, Who covers the heavens with clouds, Who provides rain for the earth, Who makes grass to grow on teh mountains." (Ps 146:7-8)
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
i'm in shock... mom's actually consideringn getting another cat....
it's been way tooo long.... we haven't had house cats in years... i miss spaz so much sometimes.... all of our cats, including the strays that lived under our house (total anywhere from 6 or 7 to 15, 16 +) dissappeared w/in two days a couple of years ago... i think the neighbor guy killed them... or tried too.... two or three came straggling back several months later... but spaz... my cat i'd had since i was in 3rd or 4th grade never came back... he was old... stubborn.. but old... he couldn't have lived through much trauma.... i still have pictures of him... i wrote a song about him once when i was 10 or so... kinda silly... and yes, i am far too attatched to that furry creature... but i never had many friends around the house to play with... as an only child, my friends were my multiple personalities and my cats... so yes, i am overaly attatched and i don't care....
and yes, i know getting a cat again will mean that mom will be miserable for a couple of months.... she's allergic... and it takes her two months or so per cat to get used to that cat... everytime there was a litter of kittens it would take forever and ever..... and yes i know, this would mean litter boxes and breakable things, and cat hair all over everything that's even looked at the house... it means cats trying to eat your food... but it also means a furry footwarmer, and just... not being alone in the house... it does mean weird noises at night from the cat playing.. .but it also means a purring bookend to lull you to sleep....
and now that i've babbled... i'm gonna find food... i'm starving...
5:04 PM
tired day...
east Texas has got to be one of the most beautiful places ever... the way the sunlight cast shadows through the trees that arch over the road.... the wildflowers that are constantly in bloom painting the roadways in brilliant colors... the rolling hills... the nice air conditioners... i love this place... and as tired as i am, it makes me happy to live here
4:53 PM
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Sunday, June 13, 2004
"rolley-pollies and a straw can land you in jail"'
- lobster (aka tim baker)
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Saturday, June 12, 2004
dissapointing zoo.... i thought they were gonna make it better... they've gotten rid of at least half the animals... but the otters were out and swimming, so i guess i'm happy.. might as well be... it's not fun to be depressed... hmm.. ok, i'm happy... otters are happy, therefore i'm happy... i think
7:54 PM
happy lizard i get to go to the zoo today.... i haven't been there in almost a year now... last time i went, they were starting to renovate it, and it was still free.... it's not anymore.... but i think it's still supposed to be one of the best zoo's in the country.... so anyway, i've been wantin to go for a few weeks now.... this is happy happy happy... very happy... a day actually outside in the sunshine... a day where i actually get to walk almost as much as i did on campus... and a day where i get to see the otters lizards like otters
11:41 AM
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Friday, June 11, 2004
why do people try and capatilize on others' heartbreak?? in what should have been a silent and private moment for a person whose heart was breaking, the only sound that could be heard was that of numerous cameras taking pictures over and over.... my mom called them vultures, and i'd have to agree... when the noise heightens in intensity every time a sob begins or a tear falls, the name applies.... although, i'm not sure why... vultures feed on dead things... and the media feeds on those who have life and yet they still manage to rip what life they did have left to shreds...
10:02 PM
amy came over for me to do some stuff for her, and now we're watching the funeral... i've been watching this stuff all week... it's sad... but in a way it's more sad that it's so morbid.... how unfeeling is that to make the family go through a week full of public this and that... there is no time to be alone and grieve.... and yes, i know they chose that... they liked the ceremony... there is no private life in politics... blah blah blah... that doesn't make it any less morbid.... i guess i'm somewhat of a hypocrite.. i do think it's all necessary... and i'm watching it all...
11:13 AM
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Thursday, June 10, 2004
so tired.... i sat on the floor for 7 somethin hours today smushed between the couch and the coffee table so i could work on a mailing for work..... it feels strange to stand up.....
you know what's sad? summer classes are over at lu now...the rest of the people are leavin.... going home.... i've been home the whole time... they get to go back to their families, and friends, and church families.... but... i've been home, around my family.... most of my church family is gone now.... i rarely see my friends... but that's normal... it's always been taht way.... sigh... i don't know why i'm complaining.... i was at home when most people had left their homes to go to school.... i had to do taht, but not to the same degree.... i could leave at any time.... i didn't have to find a new church... my mom was on campus every day.... just b/c longview's a little more empty now... and just b/c my summers are the way they've always been - mostly empty.... i shoudln't complain... i'm used to that... i guess that's what's wrong... lu's gotten me used to actually being around people non-stop... always having somebody to talk to somewhere.... always having a "fiddy billion" people around to do stuff with.... not now though... now i'm at home all day.. or up at the boxoffice which is just as empty, and not near as friendly, until my mom gets home... and then it's still quiet and we just watch tv or somethin til she falls asleep.... sigh... me thinks i shall watch north by northwest now.... continue watching my old movies that i started while i was doing mailings...
"Dreams to dream
In the dark of the night
When the world goes wrong
I can still make it right..."
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Wednesday, June 09, 2004
need to go to dallas.... listen to the pipe organ at the meyerson.... play on the stage again... be in band again.... but i definately need to go to dallas... and why not? last time i went, it ended up snowing!!! that's as good a reason as any, right?
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Friday, July 23, 2004
i'm just so tired.... tired of work... tired of sitting around w/ nothing to do.... tired of not having people around.... tired of waiting for the end of august... tired of the heat.... tired of trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do w/ my life.... tired of arguing, and of debating, and of constantly trying to make sure i don't leave loopholes and that everything i say is pretty sound.... something which i'm really out of practice at..... tired of second guessing everything i say.... and at the moment, tired of complaining...
arg, i'm also tired of having this song stuck in my head.... mom got a song off of the music man, "til there was you", stuck in my head... and it's refusing to go away..... but anyway....
i had stuff i wanted to say this morning, but i couldn't b/c mom was online all day, so now i don't remember much... and what i do remember is somewhat muddled... but i can try...
everybody has some area of their lives where they are more sensitive to some things b/c of past experiences. i happen to have several, one of which is lying, but i'll talk about that in a sec. first i'm going to talk about something which i've never even brought up before and am very likely to never do so again.
i can't stand alcohol... i can't stand what "it" does to people, although i believe very strongly that it's the people doing that to themselves, but anyway.... i have a VERY low tollerance for people that even joke about it. however, i've always known that i've always had a stronger reaction than many people ever would, so i've never been vocal about it. i still had the feelings, but i kept my mouth shut. i had/have friends that drink. they've always known what i felt about it, and so they've respected that and never asked me to join them. something for which i am very greatful. i've never griped at them for going out and getting drunk, even when they were underage. and that's not what i'm doing now. i just have four things i would like to say and then i'll quit.
first of all, don't be an idiot and drink and drive. that's self-explanatory.
secondly, whatever you do, don't be an abusive drunk. ESPECIALLY in an environment where there's a child. i know my words probably mean nothing to anybody who would actually do that, and that most of the people who actually read what i right wouldn't do that anyway. but i had to say it. it's just something i've hated ever since i was four.
next, if somebody tells you that you have a problem, and you say you'll go to councelling, then actually GO to councelling. don't just spend that time getting drunk somewhere else.
there was something else, but i can't remember it at the moment.... i'm not saying that i think alcohol is evil. i don't. i also don't think there's anything wrong with drinking (as long as you're not underage). and i don't agree with all the people that say drinking in and of itself is a sin. i do however think there's something wrong with getting drunk... but anyway... i'll quit now. i've said what i wanted to say. i'll probably never say it again.. don't hate me...
ok, and now after that completely, well almost, random outburst, i'll move on to another topic... so... life experience... whether it's decisions you've made, or decisions other people have made that in turn effected you.... all of it changes something about you... that's pretty obvious... from life experiences, you create your own "ladder of sin", if you'll pardon the phrase from one too many papers on the Scarlett Letter in Streck's class.... there are things that you know in your head. for example, you might believe very firmly in your head that all sin is equal in the eyes of God, that stealing candy from a baby and premeditated murder are the same thing... or you might think the seven deadly sins are worse... or the whole thing w/ two different kinds of sin, that my friend who was catholic at the time tried to explain to me and that i never really understood.... doesn't matter, well, at least not for what i'm talking about. you "know" this in your head. but there will always be that "ladder of sin" that you know in your heart ( or that you also know in your mind, or whatever, also not important) by which you relate to other people and their sins.... although you may conciously believe otherwise, your gut feeling might tell you that going ten miles over the speed limit isn't near as bad as kidnapping... or.. something like that... i should stop using extremes for examples.... although there's that whole concept of there actually being extremes..... but anyway.... many rabbit trails later.... your personal experience, events in your life, effect how you react to certain things.... again, something pretty obvious... anyway, that whole big mess that i just tryped was some attempt to get to the point that that's why i tend to react and look down on certain things and go after people for certain things, more than i probably should..... it could be seen as overreating or being melodramatic or whatnot..... when in reality, all it means is that i've seen what that can do, and it either scares me or i hate it or something along those lines.....
so.... that was alot of mess... all to get to where i can talk now about the past couple of days... i probably overreacted to a situation... took things personally... things that were more than likely meant as a joke.... that doesn't mean i'm going to backdown... i'm not.... i still believe i was right.... i just... normally.... don't gripe at people like that... i can't stand lying. or for that matter, broken promises, which tends to fall in the same category most of the time, for some of the same, and some different reasons..... i've accused a person of lying, which i still think they have, but they claim they've only been misleading. something which i view as the same thing.
model united nations.... interesting activity.... one in which "diplomacy" and the "art" of misleading people thrives.... i'm not gonna say i never intentionally "helped" someone to believe one thing was true when in fact the opposite was. i never technically lied. never. i very carefully avoided that. i knew lying was wrong. and the whole misleading thing became a game for me. i enjoyed it. it was a challenge, an exercise in creativity. and i became very good at it. something i'm not particularly proud of now... i'm not going to say that even now, there's no fun in it. because it really is alot of fun. at the time. and it doesn't matter that back then it was generally b/c someone else was trying to get away w/ something unethical, like blackmailing your country into voting for them... that was agaisnt the rules... so you had to have some system of dealing with it... mine involved deliberately misleading people... but that doesn't matter... the Bible talks about how perverting justice or deliberatley misleading people is wrong... and lying is wrong.... most people just don't keep them on the same rung of the ladder.... misleading is a minor thing... lying's worse, but not an awful horrible thing... til someone does that to you..... anyway, my point is that, i see them as equal. and i see them as one of the worst things you could do to a person. at least with physical harm there's some defense, but when you take someone's trust and completely destroy it, there's not much left. granted, my feelings about this are stronger than most, b/c it's something i struggle with... and there are other life experiences contributing to this dislike that i'm not going to go into... needless to say, i'm sorry if people think that i overreact and i should lighten up. i have a sense of humor. i have fun when i argue. i get almost as much energy from that as i do eating chocolate. it's not the arguing i react to. it's the deception i can't stand. so if you thought i was unreasonable, well, at least now you know why i treat those particular "character traits" like that... assuming you can actually make any sense of all the stuff i just wrote....
i know most people won't know what some parts relate to, but that's ok.... i like giving out random information it's good for you! promise. now... go laugh a little....
oh, wait.. i remembered the fourth comment.... whatever you do, do NOT drink if you're living in a house with a young child... whether you think you have a problem w/ it or not... just DONT.
end of random comments now
need a happy note to end on..... hmmm
"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness; Come before Him with joyful singing......... His loving kindness is everlasting and His faithfulness to all generations... "
10:42 PM
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
wow... that was fun... i just spent several hours slipping back into UN mode..... times like these make me wonder if i really want to be a teacher or if i really should consider law... i just ... have fun with nitpicky stuff.. and being "diplomatic" to a certain extent.....
http://lalaith.blogspot.com/2004/07/so-ive-already-told-my-funny-dream-to.html#comments
i don't know why i just left the link there.... maybe b/c it was fun to type... most of the people who read this won't even know what's going on, but hey, if you're bored and need random things to read....
12:34 AM
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
sigh... more IRS junk to fill out and turn in.... I was havin a pretty good day til then.... Lakeview claims I'm self employed... it gets them out of paying taxes on me... however, that makes me have to pay a lot more.... on the other hand, every thing I do for them, other than getting paid would make me an empolyee... but.. they don't want to claim me.... so i have to fill out even more junk b/c lakeview is irresponsible and wants a stupid tax break.... arg....
ok, i'll quit griping now... did enough of that earlier this spring anyway
mom and i watched the Pianist last night.... with that and Saving Private Ryan, which we watched Sunday, and some other stuff we've watched recently, I think i'm pretty tired of watching movies about the war and the holocaust for now....
every time we watch something about the holocaust, mom starts talkin about how at some point in my lifetime probably, they're gonna do the same thing to Christians in our country..... i can't ever figure out whether i believe that or not.... part of me wants to say that wouldn't ever happen, no way... but part of me knows that someday, it will.... and... part of me doesn't want to think about it at all.... i don't want to sit here and try and imagine what it would be like if that happened... i dont' want to wonder what i'd do, and if it would be worse... and how anything could possibly be worse than what went on then...
you know, i don't understand how some people can say that never happened... i don't know how, when you have survivors of it that you can talk to... how you can see the numbers tatooed on their arms and the scars that they carry.... i don't know how you can see the footage that was taken when the camps were liberated.... how you could look at lampshades made out of human skin and mass graves and all manner of attrocities and still say that it was a propoganda stunt.... i dont' understand that... but i guess there will always be things that i don't understand... and some things i'd rather not... which is pretty strange coming from me... the pack-rat obsessed w/ reading and collecting information...
okay.. that's depressing... happy thoughts.. .umm... i was thinking about the playground at the elementary the other day... that wooden playground was the best.... there were so many things that each piece of equipment could be... and the other playground... i remember that reallly realllly tall slide... i guess it's probably not that big now, but i remember how it would always shake when you got near the top... that thing scared me so much... and then there's always the "UN in Black" video that was made in part on the playground... when Mrs. J let the guys drive her car... and the fireworks they set off in the pan... that was fun... hey, does anybody remember the words to the song? all i remember are "here comes UN in black..." somethin somethin somethin "global problem fixers".... i've forgotten lyrics... i'm terribly and horribly ashamed help me please! somebody's gotta remember how it went... this is gonna bother me forever, until i can remember or make up new words.... or! even better- i don't suppose anybody actually has a copy of the video? i haven't seen that in forever... i know it's not quite "Kat Seeds" or "the Carrie Nation Project" or "Sumner v. Brooks", but still... what i remember was funny.. arg... now i have a mixture of "men in black" and "bohemian rhapsody" running through my head... sleep should be interesting...
10:37 PM
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
ok. so i'm officially bored. i have way too much time on my hands... i could've gone to sleep at 8 like my mom... but, i've discovered that i've finally adapted to 9-10+ hours of sleep a night, and i really really don't need more than that.... that's enough time wasted as it is, not that it's not nice or anything...
so i just wasted 3 some odd hours messing with my site design (xanga, not this one - although i did spend another 2 hours tryin to get this one to cooperate).... i went through about a million pictures on here, til i found one i liked, and then i spent a loooooooooooong time with goin back and forth between this and a paint program to match the hues to the picture... did i mention i had too much time on my hands yet?
bluebonnets are happy.... not only are they the state flower of Texas, but they are extremely special in other ways as well, even if only in my memories...
memories are strange things... they aren't always bright and clear (like the blue sky that i mentioned we had earlier!!!)... generally they're pale and dusky like an old faded photograph... flaws disappear with the dimming light and everything's somehow sweeter...
i haven't been back to west Texas in 5 some odd years... my Great Grandmother is over 98 now.... and the field accross the street from her house isn't overflowing with the bluebonnets anymore either.... last time it grew cotton.... before that it was rocky dry dirt... but for one glorious summer there were magnificent bluebonnets as far as the eye could see.... or at least as far as the camera lense.... because, i don't remember that much.. my memory is based on photographs now... isn't it amazing that you can "remember" something, just by seeing a picture of yourself in a picture of whatever it was? you may have been two at the time, and never have remembered that at all, but then as soon as you see a picture, you will forever remember that along with all your other "real" memories.... i mean, of course you remember that... or at least the one scene that was captured with the movement of the camera shutter... and you can "remember" even more if someone were to tell you a tale about part of that time.... pretty soon, you can see whatever happened in your head... but what if... what if somebody doctored the picture? what if, it wasn't real? then what are you left with?
11:03 PM
blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there are blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not a cloud in sight!!!! or well... at least not in sight half way down my driveway.... if you go farther, past the trees, there are some... but they don't count there are blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 probably the last time i'll ever see such a thing... in fact maybe they aren't really blue... maybe they're gray and i'm delusional..... maybe.... but... i like blue skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:39 PM
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004
rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain..........
rain..........rain................rain..........rain.....rainrainrain...rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain........... rain..........rain................rain..........rain.....rainrainrain...rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain......rain.... rain.... rain........... rain..........rain................rain..........rain.....rainrainrain...rain.... rain....
rainrainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain... rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain... rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain... rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...rainrainrainrainrain...
and such has my life been
it's rained too much
yes, zerg, there is such a thing as too much
it's too much when the ground can't take anymore, when every day more and more towns in east texas are flooded, and when even six flags is under water..
it's gotten to the point where the concept of blue skies has been replaced with pale gray clouds... to look, not happily.... umm... look less sadly at the sky b/c it's not quite so dark... you know i've almost forgotten what clear skies look like... pale gray is exciting, and if you stare at it long enough, it begins to look blue... what ever that was...
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Monday, June 28, 2004
i hate being hypoglycemic
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Friday, June 25, 2004
now i know where i get it all....
there's an edge this weekend, and my mom was working registration today... she just finished telling me how she's been torturing lil incoming freshman.... she's been takin away their paper work and demanding their id number all the while laughing at their wide frightened eyes.... oh my... i can truly say that (most) of my meaness is inherited
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Tuesday, June 22, 2004
air conditioner dead.... air conditioner in the house dead.... bad thing.
9:32-
lizard does not equal mosquito chow.
i'm sry
it just doesn't
i was not meant to be eaten
like that stopped them
i have never seen so many stupid mosquitos in my life
and all for what at the moment appears to be nothing
the air conditioner still isn't working
arg
not mosquito chow
8:12 AM
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Monday, June 21, 2004
i've discovered a new happy hobby..... calling random people who you haven't talked to in ages and ages is fun makes you laugh and smile for random reasons... much fun... friends are happy
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Monday, June 21, 2004
i just spent half an hour on the phone w/ my roomie!!! happy lizard... i miss my dorm room... i miss being able to randomly decorate everything... i miss driving sr crazy when ahdrhen and i would sing 3 diff songs at once... i miss the dust that's slowly killing my computer.... i miss not having to dress up everyday, and not having to carry my cell phone around all the time.... i wnat to go back... i want to meet new people.. and start rebuilding a suite... i want to get to hammer straight pins w/ my magnifying glass again, and to have to scramble around trying to get decorations and other projects done w/o the materials generally needed to do those things.... i want to be able to walk to chapel w/ sr and ahdrhen and start laughing b/c we all unintentionally dressed the same again... i want to be able to sit on the steps going down to msc at night and watch the stars and sing so that it echoes and scares people who can't see me.... i want to have suite devos again, so i can least keep up w/ everybody's life and know how to pray.... i want to have marshmellow fights in teh kitchen and not have to wait until people sign on aim at random times so i can talk to them.... oh well....
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Friday, June 18, 2004
happy international panic day!!!
http://www.angelfire.com/cantina/shamansanchez/holidays.htm
11:09 AM
Christmas in July
such a wonderful holiday
very fun for caroling
especially in shorts, santa hats, and gloves
people give you strange looks
but who can help but love such classics as
"Chestnuts roasting on an open sidewalk"
and
"Deck the Halls with skeeter netting" ?
Truly such wonderful songs should be sung all over the world in July...
(If my caroling buddy, Kristen, is reading this, we need to go caroling again this year!!! We need to finish up a couple of the songs we didn't quite finish last year......)
If you would like to join our caroling company, please leave a message.
And if we show up on your door, please be nice and invite us into the wonderful airconditioning!
After all, santa hats are very hot, and we don't wish to melt. And if you're really nice, we might even sing our Red, White, and Physics Blues song
happy days
and don't forget -
we all expect Christmas presents from you in July!
5:22 AM
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
when heavy clouds are only in the distance, and light clouds play accross the sky over head, when bright sunlight filters through the patches next to pale blue sky, and the rain that falls is icy cold, it's a good day... a day to laugh at the sky, and sing to the heavens, a day when the storm's aren't so menacing, and the weather is a silly friend.
this is my day, and i cherished every icily wet giggle and every ray of sun that lit up the drops like diamonds....
"Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; Sing praises to our God on the lyre, Who covers the heavens with clouds, Who provides rain for the earth, Who makes grass to grow on teh mountains." (Ps 146:7-8)
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
i'm in shock... mom's actually consideringn getting another cat....
it's been way tooo long.... we haven't had house cats in years... i miss spaz so much sometimes.... all of our cats, including the strays that lived under our house (total anywhere from 6 or 7 to 15, 16 +) dissappeared w/in two days a couple of years ago... i think the neighbor guy killed them... or tried too.... two or three came straggling back several months later... but spaz... my cat i'd had since i was in 3rd or 4th grade never came back... he was old... stubborn.. but old... he couldn't have lived through much trauma.... i still have pictures of him... i wrote a song about him once when i was 10 or so... kinda silly... and yes, i am far too attatched to that furry creature... but i never had many friends around the house to play with... as an only child, my friends were my multiple personalities and my cats... so yes, i am overaly attatched and i don't care....
and yes, i know getting a cat again will mean that mom will be miserable for a couple of months.... she's allergic... and it takes her two months or so per cat to get used to that cat... everytime there was a litter of kittens it would take forever and ever..... and yes i know, this would mean litter boxes and breakable things, and cat hair all over everything that's even looked at the house... it means cats trying to eat your food... but it also means a furry footwarmer, and just... not being alone in the house... it does mean weird noises at night from the cat playing.. .but it also means a purring bookend to lull you to sleep....
and now that i've babbled... i'm gonna find food... i'm starving...
5:04 PM
tired day...
east Texas has got to be one of the most beautiful places ever... the way the sunlight cast shadows through the trees that arch over the road.... the wildflowers that are constantly in bloom painting the roadways in brilliant colors... the rolling hills... the nice air conditioners... i love this place... and as tired as i am, it makes me happy to live here
4:53 PM
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Sunday, June 13, 2004
"rolley-pollies and a straw can land you in jail"'
- lobster (aka tim baker)
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Saturday, June 12, 2004
dissapointing zoo.... i thought they were gonna make it better... they've gotten rid of at least half the animals... but the otters were out and swimming, so i guess i'm happy.. might as well be... it's not fun to be depressed... hmm.. ok, i'm happy... otters are happy, therefore i'm happy... i think
7:54 PM
happy lizard i get to go to the zoo today.... i haven't been there in almost a year now... last time i went, they were starting to renovate it, and it was still free.... it's not anymore.... but i think it's still supposed to be one of the best zoo's in the country.... so anyway, i've been wantin to go for a few weeks now.... this is happy happy happy... very happy... a day actually outside in the sunshine... a day where i actually get to walk almost as much as i did on campus... and a day where i get to see the otters lizards like otters
11:41 AM
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Friday, June 11, 2004
why do people try and capatilize on others' heartbreak?? in what should have been a silent and private moment for a person whose heart was breaking, the only sound that could be heard was that of numerous cameras taking pictures over and over.... my mom called them vultures, and i'd have to agree... when the noise heightens in intensity every time a sob begins or a tear falls, the name applies.... although, i'm not sure why... vultures feed on dead things... and the media feeds on those who have life and yet they still manage to rip what life they did have left to shreds...
10:02 PM
amy came over for me to do some stuff for her, and now we're watching the funeral... i've been watching this stuff all week... it's sad... but in a way it's more sad that it's so morbid.... how unfeeling is that to make the family go through a week full of public this and that... there is no time to be alone and grieve.... and yes, i know they chose that... they liked the ceremony... there is no private life in politics... blah blah blah... that doesn't make it any less morbid.... i guess i'm somewhat of a hypocrite.. i do think it's all necessary... and i'm watching it all...
11:13 AM
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Thursday, June 10, 2004
so tired.... i sat on the floor for 7 somethin hours today smushed between the couch and the coffee table so i could work on a mailing for work..... it feels strange to stand up.....
you know what's sad? summer classes are over at lu now...the rest of the people are leavin.... going home.... i've been home the whole time... they get to go back to their families, and friends, and church families.... but... i've been home, around my family.... most of my church family is gone now.... i rarely see my friends... but that's normal... it's always been taht way.... sigh... i don't know why i'm complaining.... i was at home when most people had left their homes to go to school.... i had to do taht, but not to the same degree.... i could leave at any time.... i didn't have to find a new church... my mom was on campus every day.... just b/c longview's a little more empty now... and just b/c my summers are the way they've always been - mostly empty.... i shoudln't complain... i'm used to that... i guess that's what's wrong... lu's gotten me used to actually being around people non-stop... always having somebody to talk to somewhere.... always having a "fiddy billion" people around to do stuff with.... not now though... now i'm at home all day.. or up at the boxoffice which is just as empty, and not near as friendly, until my mom gets home... and then it's still quiet and we just watch tv or somethin til she falls asleep.... sigh... me thinks i shall watch north by northwest now.... continue watching my old movies that i started while i was doing mailings...
"Dreams to dream
In the dark of the night
When the world goes wrong
I can still make it right..."
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Wednesday, June 09, 2004
need to go to dallas.... listen to the pipe organ at the meyerson.... play on the stage again... be in band again.... but i definately need to go to dallas... and why not? last time i went, it ended up snowing!!! that's as good a reason as any, right?
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