The world needs more chocolate

i'm not strong.... i say i am, i act like i am, but i'm not.... i wish i didn't have to be.... i wish that sometimes i could just give up... have it all go away.... wish my world was simple and uncomplicated and not full of pain.... wish i could stop causing myself even more hurt.... i wish i didn't have to get a long with everyone, be everyones friend.... i wish i could stop playing the peacemaker for once... wish i could truly be honest and have people understand and have someone else try and make it all right... because i'm so tired of trying to do that.... i can't.... but when nobody else sees the problem, it makes it a little difficult... and that's partially my fault too.... i hide behind humor.... i'll be open and honest and blunt and tell you pretty much anything, but when i'm in a situation i don't want to be in, but i'm obligated to do so, the only way i can get through it is w/ laughter... if i distract everyone else w/ something funny, then they'll be less likely to see through me... i've always done that.... when i was little and mom was sad or my grandparents were uncomfortable and silence lay heavily on the room, i'd start playing, and "clowning" around (litterally - it's the same stuff i do now, except now i get to use grease paint)... anything to make them laugh, anything to make them smile and be happy... as long as they weren't miserable, i was happy.... well, not completely happy, but happy enough.... why do i do this to myself? why do i always take on far more than i can handle? why do i have to take up everybody else's slack and try and fix their problems too? i can't do this anymore.... i can't.... i'm tired.. .and i'm worn out.... and i just want a break... i want rest... real rest... . but i look to the horizon, and there's not any in sight.... it's all dark with more stresses.... i need a break..... i'm tired of being sick... tired of coughing... tired of being overwhelmed with school and problems.... i can't do this..... i say i can, but i can't..... and i know that God can handle anything... and i know that w/o Him, i would've been a nervous wreck a long time ago w/ all sorts of problems.... but... right now.... i don't know.... i just need.... rest....